Wolfcop (R)
"Hair of the Dog that bit ya"
An small town alcoholic Deputy in Canada's Great White North is terrible at his job. He drinks, he's late, he's lazy, he's hungover, ...he drinks. But when he gets cursed one night by a cult of shape shifters in the woods he becomes one hairy, scary, extraordinary law enforcement officer!
Granted Wolfcop has a slow start, and until the movie's first transformation kicks in there is a lot of heel dragging and iffy acting (but it's only 78 minutes so hang in there!). Once he transforms (and wait till you see WHAT transforms first), the movie's gore and humor kick it way past its cheapo one-idea script. The make up is dollar store wigs and makeup with some rubber hands so you'll never confuse this with an American Werewolf in London remake (its more along the lines of Canadian WereWolf in Saskatchewan with Strange Brew thrown in for good measure). Fueled by whiskey, driven to serve and protect (or is it sever and project?), Wolfcop is lewd, rude and in the nude with a tasty 1980's horror style and soundtrack (and love scene, ick). Much rougher and ghetto-er than it's Canadian cousin "Hobo With A Shotgun," Wolfcop nonetheless attains coolness as he wolfs down donuts and booze in his tricked out squad car on the icy roads of justice.
Next time team him up with BioCop!
6.5 Hip Hop Theme Songs over Credits out of 10 (GOOD)
Showing posts with label SoBadItsGood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label SoBadItsGood. Show all posts
The Counselor (2013)
The Counselor (R)
"What would the BAR Association say?"
The first script from the pen of author Cormack McCarthy (author of the novel No Country For Old Men) is a head scratching affair. Directed by the venerable yet wildly uneven Ridley Scott (Bladerunner), there is the expected energy and pop to the filmed scenes. A-list actors lead by Michael Fasbender, Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz (miscast as a Jamaican femme fatale) culminate in one the years best casts, and yet the words fall flat. The snappy Noir prose style is leaden, the situations preposterous, the outcome dreary. The story? Fasbender plays a successful Texas lawyer, whose shady client base draw him into the south of the border drug smuggling business to maximize his profits. The house of cards is shaken by the backstabbing, golddigging Diaz, a character so over-sexualized, so misplaced, so supposedly evils-of-woman-incarnate/female-of-the-species-is-more-deadly that she could only come from the pen of a mid-life-crisis fever dream. Some scenes work, some shock to righteous effect, most collapse under the heavy weight of pretension. A freak show of many unique sights and sounds, but you may regret the two-bits to get in.
4.5 New Definition of Car Sex out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
"What would the BAR Association say?"
The first script from the pen of author Cormack McCarthy (author of the novel No Country For Old Men) is a head scratching affair. Directed by the venerable yet wildly uneven Ridley Scott (Bladerunner), there is the expected energy and pop to the filmed scenes. A-list actors lead by Michael Fasbender, Brad Pitt, Javier Bardem, Penelope Cruz and Cameron Diaz (miscast as a Jamaican femme fatale) culminate in one the years best casts, and yet the words fall flat. The snappy Noir prose style is leaden, the situations preposterous, the outcome dreary. The story? Fasbender plays a successful Texas lawyer, whose shady client base draw him into the south of the border drug smuggling business to maximize his profits. The house of cards is shaken by the backstabbing, golddigging Diaz, a character so over-sexualized, so misplaced, so supposedly evils-of-woman-incarnate/female-of-the-species-is-more-deadly that she could only come from the pen of a mid-life-crisis fever dream. Some scenes work, some shock to righteous effect, most collapse under the heavy weight of pretension. A freak show of many unique sights and sounds, but you may regret the two-bits to get in.
4.5 New Definition of Car Sex out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)
Resident Evil: Retribution (R)
"Insane in the Membrane"
Basically rip off every sci-fi franchise ever ala Cabin in the Woods (except without the nod and wink to take the stink off of it), do it every 5 minutes for an hour and a half, have the entire cast be bad acting Eurotrash (sorry fellow RE2&4 lovers, but Leon Kennedy is played by a total douche), bring back half the dead characters from the previous 4 movies, SL O MO EVERYTHING, throw 3D crap at the screen like its going out of business, catsuits! catsuits! catsuits!, have some crazy video game like dubstep song play throughout, go bug-nuts insane with level design and out of control with the energy and plot and enemies, and you have a so-bad its-good-to-laugh-at kind of movie. With this much action, its a long hour and a half, but you sure do get your moneys worth, this movie has more stuff in it than a two bit Mexican flea market. STUFFed with stuff. Too much stuff honestly, but hell if it doesn't work... watching it is so disjointed yet slick, it's like a nightmare a French surrealist had back in the 1890's but upon waking he thought better of trying to write it down due to lack of comprehension. Or perhaps one of those bargain bin games at Gamestop where the scope of the title outgrew the programmers skill to frame but they released it as is, swollen and bloated and yet playable, a spoiled brat of a game that cheats and does everything with reckless abandon but with the ignorant smirking bravado that you just can't help but admire and wonder "How does he get away with that?".
5 Moscow Spinner Hubcaps out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
"Insane in the Membrane"
Basically rip off every sci-fi franchise ever ala Cabin in the Woods (except without the nod and wink to take the stink off of it), do it every 5 minutes for an hour and a half, have the entire cast be bad acting Eurotrash (sorry fellow RE2&4 lovers, but Leon Kennedy is played by a total douche), bring back half the dead characters from the previous 4 movies, SL O MO EVERYTHING, throw 3D crap at the screen like its going out of business, catsuits! catsuits! catsuits!, have some crazy video game like dubstep song play throughout, go bug-nuts insane with level design and out of control with the energy and plot and enemies, and you have a so-bad its-good-to-laugh-at kind of movie. With this much action, its a long hour and a half, but you sure do get your moneys worth, this movie has more stuff in it than a two bit Mexican flea market. STUFFed with stuff. Too much stuff honestly, but hell if it doesn't work... watching it is so disjointed yet slick, it's like a nightmare a French surrealist had back in the 1890's but upon waking he thought better of trying to write it down due to lack of comprehension. Or perhaps one of those bargain bin games at Gamestop where the scope of the title outgrew the programmers skill to frame but they released it as is, swollen and bloated and yet playable, a spoiled brat of a game that cheats and does everything with reckless abandon but with the ignorant smirking bravado that you just can't help but admire and wonder "How does he get away with that?".
5 Moscow Spinner Hubcaps out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
Lockout (2012)
Lockout (PG-13) -
"60 Seconds to Brain Death"
A critical mass of ineptitude (both in front of and behind the camera) cause a Space Prison full of Scottish Psycho prisoners to riot and the authorities have no choice but to send tough guy Mr. Snow (played by Guy Pierce) in to rescue the presidents daughter, which seems almost logical when compared to the rest of this movies plot. The premise however isn't the real bad guy here, the entirety of the editing is. So devoid of any decent action, so cobbled together are the CG racing/flying scenes that they ended up being literally laugh out loudable, and the violence and action so cut down to remove any of said violence or action (to maintain a very wimpy PG13), LockOut really is just an excuse for Pierce to strut around doing his best Snake Plissken impression by snarking one liners at the rest of the woefully inadequate cast. Guy makes a energetic try at salvaging the film, but with an ending (a sky/Space Dive to Earth) so bereft of intelligence/coherence/
1 Carpenter Rip Offs out of 10 (AWFUL)
"60 Seconds to Brain Death"
A critical mass of ineptitude (both in front of and behind the camera) cause a Space Prison full of Scottish Psycho prisoners to riot and the authorities have no choice but to send tough guy Mr. Snow (played by Guy Pierce) in to rescue the presidents daughter, which seems almost logical when compared to the rest of this movies plot. The premise however isn't the real bad guy here, the entirety of the editing is. So devoid of any decent action, so cobbled together are the CG racing/flying scenes that they ended up being literally laugh out loudable, and the violence and action so cut down to remove any of said violence or action (to maintain a very wimpy PG13), LockOut really is just an excuse for Pierce to strut around doing his best Snake Plissken impression by snarking one liners at the rest of the woefully inadequate cast. Guy makes a energetic try at salvaging the film, but with an ending (a sky/Space Dive to Earth) so bereft of intelligence/coherence/
1 Carpenter Rip Offs out of 10 (AWFUL)
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (2009)
Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans (R)
"Dance Lizard Dance"
For a remake, its one of the better ones, but Herzog pretending it has nothing to do with the original is just silly. Cage can't out-crazy or out-sleaze Harvey Kietel, the Big Easy's got nothing on the Big Apple, but it's still a good movie somehow, filled with surreal moments filled with hallucinogenic lizards.
6 crack hits out of 10 (GOOD)
Executive Koala (2005)
Executive Koala - (NR) - Review
"Fab and Furry"
From the minds that brought us The Calamari Wrestler comes The Executive Koala. A spoof on overdramatic soap operas starring a fuzzy humansized Koala in a suit, Director Kawasaki keeps his modus operandi intact by putting bizarre characters in zany situations that everyone in the cast treats as perfectly normal. Kooky to the extreme, E.K. is embroiled in a murder mystery with a completly off the wall, out of left field mind bending ending. Entertainment galore, good animal/man costumes and a splash of violence, Executive Koala may not be everyone's cup of tea. The humor is straight faced and the strangeness knows no bounds. For those who revel in that kind of thing, this is almost as good as it gets.
7 Anthropomorphic Suits out of 10
"Fab and Furry"
From the minds that brought us The Calamari Wrestler comes The Executive Koala. A spoof on overdramatic soap operas starring a fuzzy humansized Koala in a suit, Director Kawasaki keeps his modus operandi intact by putting bizarre characters in zany situations that everyone in the cast treats as perfectly normal. Kooky to the extreme, E.K. is embroiled in a murder mystery with a completly off the wall, out of left field mind bending ending. Entertainment galore, good animal/man costumes and a splash of violence, Executive Koala may not be everyone's cup of tea. The humor is straight faced and the strangeness knows no bounds. For those who revel in that kind of thing, this is almost as good as it gets.
7 Anthropomorphic Suits out of 10
The Calimari Wrestler (2005)
The Calamari Wrestler (NR) - Review
"8 Tentacles, 1 Heart"
Strange Japanese cinema is alive and squirming. This buffet of the bizarre serves up deliciously zany costumes, plot points and characterizations. It's all played extremely straight faced which is most of the fun. Where else can you see a 8 foot tall squid pro wrestle and then explain his personal problems dramatically to his beautiful girlfriend? What is the mystery of the Calamari, and who are all these outlandish opponents that our hero must defeat? One joke movie that works the whole way through, just don't expect anything beyond deep fried junk and you'll be satisfied.
6 Squid Kisses out of 10 (GOOD)
"8 Tentacles, 1 Heart"
Strange Japanese cinema is alive and squirming. This buffet of the bizarre serves up deliciously zany costumes, plot points and characterizations. It's all played extremely straight faced which is most of the fun. Where else can you see a 8 foot tall squid pro wrestle and then explain his personal problems dramatically to his beautiful girlfriend? What is the mystery of the Calamari, and who are all these outlandish opponents that our hero must defeat? One joke movie that works the whole way through, just don't expect anything beyond deep fried junk and you'll be satisfied.
6 Squid Kisses out of 10 (GOOD)
From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (1999)
From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money (R)
"It's Quentin' Time"
An oddball crew of bank robbers find themselves hunted not only by authorities from Mexico and the USA, but also by vampiric assholes, some even from inside their own team.
This direct to video sequel is a lowball affair that achieves some semblance of the cool vibe of the original. Starring Robert Patrick and directed by Scott Spiegel (an old chum of director Sam Raimi), the film is an ultra low budget ham salad of Tarantino-esque wastebasket-fodder chats about the nature of pornography and camera tricks straight from an Evil Dead clone's youtube sizzle reel. The movie itself is preposterous, with a caper so lamebrained and one sided it would be laughable if you weren't already too choked up by their choice of main bad guy (menacing he's not). Admirably avoiding the normal sequel-trappings of these kind of films, FDTD2:TBM still sucks the life out of the room with some fun tricks ruined by their overuse, sets from a third world trash heap, and a third act shoot out that is just as lazy as the special effects. Danny Trejo lends a hand to generate connective tissue, but the movie's mostly a bloodless stone compared to the first's grandiose rolling stone.
"It's Quentin' Time"
An oddball crew of bank robbers find themselves hunted not only by authorities from Mexico and the USA, but also by vampiric assholes, some even from inside their own team.
This direct to video sequel is a lowball affair that achieves some semblance of the cool vibe of the original. Starring Robert Patrick and directed by Scott Spiegel (an old chum of director Sam Raimi), the film is an ultra low budget ham salad of Tarantino-esque wastebasket-fodder chats about the nature of pornography and camera tricks straight from an Evil Dead clone's youtube sizzle reel. The movie itself is preposterous, with a caper so lamebrained and one sided it would be laughable if you weren't already too choked up by their choice of main bad guy (menacing he's not). Admirably avoiding the normal sequel-trappings of these kind of films, FDTD2:TBM still sucks the life out of the room with some fun tricks ruined by their overuse, sets from a third world trash heap, and a third act shoot out that is just as lazy as the special effects. Danny Trejo lends a hand to generate connective tissue, but the movie's mostly a bloodless stone compared to the first's grandiose rolling stone.
5 You Know It's A Bad Sign When Bruce Campbell shows up in the Preamble out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
The 13th Warrior (1999)
The 13th Warrior (R)
"PEU-Wulf"
A grim retelling of Beowulf by the director of Die Hard, what could go wrong? Welllll...
Based on Micheal.Crichton's book "Eaters of the Dead," the tale of a Musilm stranger in Nordic lands that are besieged by a horrific race of monsters has some meat to it. John McTeirnan does an admirable job with the acting but due to negative audience test screenings the film was taken away and a new ending shot by Crichton himself and blandly retitled and released a year later. The result is a movie without a clear sense of direction made from a book that did. Is it a "realistic" take on Beowulf or is it a Hollywood blockbuster star maker? Considering the size of the box office loss (especially considering all those expensive re-shoots and edits and an entire new composer and score to try and twist the interest for a more Americanized taste), it set back the careers of all involved. There are some cult fans screaming for the original director's cut to arise from Disney's vaults, but the reality is that the action is muddled, the message is unclear, and despite some good scenes and ideas you just can't fight those monstrous suits pulling the strings behind the scenes.
3 Vikings who apparently use Clorox on their Whites out of 10 (BAD)
"PEU-Wulf"
A grim retelling of Beowulf by the director of Die Hard, what could go wrong? Welllll...
Based on Micheal.Crichton's book "Eaters of the Dead," the tale of a Musilm stranger in Nordic lands that are besieged by a horrific race of monsters has some meat to it. John McTeirnan does an admirable job with the acting but due to negative audience test screenings the film was taken away and a new ending shot by Crichton himself and blandly retitled and released a year later. The result is a movie without a clear sense of direction made from a book that did. Is it a "realistic" take on Beowulf or is it a Hollywood blockbuster star maker? Considering the size of the box office loss (especially considering all those expensive re-shoots and edits and an entire new composer and score to try and twist the interest for a more Americanized taste), it set back the careers of all involved. There are some cult fans screaming for the original director's cut to arise from Disney's vaults, but the reality is that the action is muddled, the message is unclear, and despite some good scenes and ideas you just can't fight those monstrous suits pulling the strings behind the scenes.
3 Vikings who apparently use Clorox on their Whites out of 10 (BAD)
Last Action Hero (1993)
Last Action Hero (PG-13)
"No One Likes a Smart Ass"
The young Danny is a lone film lover who doesn't fit in with High School or the dangerous streets of his home town of NY, NY. He'd rather be scarfing popcorn in old decrepit movie theaters with the house speakers blaring. When his friend and projectionist gives him a sneak preview to the latest Jack Slater movie, the magic of the movie sucks him in, literally. Finding himself inside the movie with his hero and playing by the genre rules, Danny tries to help Jack (Arnold Schwarzenegger) avenge the death of his second cousin from nefarious gangsters and the Machiavellian assassin, Benedict (charmingly played by Charles Dance (Alien 3)). When the action spills out into the real world, the antes are upped and the threats become more real as the nonfictional world is threatened by the fictional ones.
Arnold's first Producer credit sees him fronting a horse of a different color called Last Action Hero, a post-modern satiric romp through the tropes and cliches of Action fiction amid our violent crime filled reality. The studio went all out, advertising via NASA and selling nonviolent action figures, then allowed the film to be stomped flat by Jurassic Park's scaly second weekend. However the failure of LAH is more likely due to the bad word of mouth and obvious misinformation and expectations of audiences & critics alike, both of whom missed the point entirely. The dreary depressing real New York, with its rotting old cinemas and bloody knuckled muggers are the sour to the sunshine bullet ridden escapist fantasy's sweet.
The balancing act is astounding, the quality of the action and the humor in the face of general opinion proves the movie was ahead of it's time. The stupid jokes are mostly on purpose, the 90s rock n roll attitude and soundtrack are too loud by half, the flubs and continuity errors are obviously intentional. The movie laughs and whoops it up with you; it's funny bone is firmly connected to it's trigger finger. Perhaps over the top humor and plotting went way over the heads of its intended viewers? The smart script had numerous rewrites (ironically by one of the 90s sharpest action scribes Shane Black of Last Boy Scout fame) but in the end attains the perfect balance of funny and dark tinged fun. Director John McTiernan lives in this genre, and is basically spoofing his own successes (Die Hard, Predator). He delivers some great action sequences, visuals and heart while at the same time satirizing those same style of sequences found in dumbed down man-flicks with slo-motion leaps from the edge of you seat that we all know and love. Huge advertising, huge budgets, huge expectations on everyone's part, Last Action Hero was almost doomed to fail. Very few "got it," and most just stayed away. Yet over the years cult fans, both Action genre-ists and art-house purists, have spearheaded its positives and home audiences seem to finally be "getting it".
If you squint just so, a murky undercurrent of painful nostalgia for the golden age of cinema and the love of single screen movie-houses can be seen running through the film's veins, skillfully rounding out the punchy jokes and quips with an adept melancholy for things long gone (that just keep on getting truer). Last Action Hero is, most surprisingly, the funeral for all those theaters that have been torn down to make way for the multiplexes, for all the old men in booths upstairs who lost their jobs, for all those Houdini's who don't have anywhere to perform with gold gilded balconies. Places where you can no longer hear the soft purr of the projector, or sit in the complete dark without advertisements or cell phone screens, it was Last Action Hero that eulogized them with a nod and a wink. It was a unlooked for Roast of "the-way-it-was" and foreshadowing of "where-it-is-going". Unfortunately, they don't make them like this anymore, and certainly never did.
7.5 Shooting Dynamite in a moving car while changing your Sony MiniDiscs out of 10 (GOOD)
"No One Likes a Smart Ass"
The young Danny is a lone film lover who doesn't fit in with High School or the dangerous streets of his home town of NY, NY. He'd rather be scarfing popcorn in old decrepit movie theaters with the house speakers blaring. When his friend and projectionist gives him a sneak preview to the latest Jack Slater movie, the magic of the movie sucks him in, literally. Finding himself inside the movie with his hero and playing by the genre rules, Danny tries to help Jack (Arnold Schwarzenegger) avenge the death of his second cousin from nefarious gangsters and the Machiavellian assassin, Benedict (charmingly played by Charles Dance (Alien 3)). When the action spills out into the real world, the antes are upped and the threats become more real as the nonfictional world is threatened by the fictional ones.
Arnold's first Producer credit sees him fronting a horse of a different color called Last Action Hero, a post-modern satiric romp through the tropes and cliches of Action fiction amid our violent crime filled reality. The studio went all out, advertising via NASA and selling nonviolent action figures, then allowed the film to be stomped flat by Jurassic Park's scaly second weekend. However the failure of LAH is more likely due to the bad word of mouth and obvious misinformation and expectations of audiences & critics alike, both of whom missed the point entirely. The dreary depressing real New York, with its rotting old cinemas and bloody knuckled muggers are the sour to the sunshine bullet ridden escapist fantasy's sweet.
The balancing act is astounding, the quality of the action and the humor in the face of general opinion proves the movie was ahead of it's time. The stupid jokes are mostly on purpose, the 90s rock n roll attitude and soundtrack are too loud by half, the flubs and continuity errors are obviously intentional. The movie laughs and whoops it up with you; it's funny bone is firmly connected to it's trigger finger. Perhaps over the top humor and plotting went way over the heads of its intended viewers? The smart script had numerous rewrites (ironically by one of the 90s sharpest action scribes Shane Black of Last Boy Scout fame) but in the end attains the perfect balance of funny and dark tinged fun. Director John McTiernan lives in this genre, and is basically spoofing his own successes (Die Hard, Predator). He delivers some great action sequences, visuals and heart while at the same time satirizing those same style of sequences found in dumbed down man-flicks with slo-motion leaps from the edge of you seat that we all know and love. Huge advertising, huge budgets, huge expectations on everyone's part, Last Action Hero was almost doomed to fail. Very few "got it," and most just stayed away. Yet over the years cult fans, both Action genre-ists and art-house purists, have spearheaded its positives and home audiences seem to finally be "getting it".
If you squint just so, a murky undercurrent of painful nostalgia for the golden age of cinema and the love of single screen movie-houses can be seen running through the film's veins, skillfully rounding out the punchy jokes and quips with an adept melancholy for things long gone (that just keep on getting truer). Last Action Hero is, most surprisingly, the funeral for all those theaters that have been torn down to make way for the multiplexes, for all the old men in booths upstairs who lost their jobs, for all those Houdini's who don't have anywhere to perform with gold gilded balconies. Places where you can no longer hear the soft purr of the projector, or sit in the complete dark without advertisements or cell phone screens, it was Last Action Hero that eulogized them with a nod and a wink. It was a unlooked for Roast of "the-way-it-was" and foreshadowing of "where-it-is-going". Unfortunately, they don't make them like this anymore, and certainly never did.
7.5 Shooting Dynamite in a moving car while changing your Sony MiniDiscs out of 10 (GOOD)
The Cat (1992)
The Cat (UR)
"I'll be back, with hairballs"
Bizarre tale of an outerspace feline and her masters who are looking for a mystic artifact to allow them to return to their home planet but are pursued by a body-snatching lava monster from the depths of space hell bent on tearing them and anything that gets in its way apart.
Strange yet effective mashup of Hong Kong shootemup action movies and alien invasion flicks, the movie is famous for its amazing animatronic Cat vs Dog kung fu action scene that goes where no animal film goes before. The hokey space princess and her wise patrons are pretty laughable, and the out of nowhere Terminator-like bullet fests prolong the final conflict with the impressive spaghetti-space monster. Quite a ride for those willing to board, The Cat is certainly unwestern and unique in all ways (exactly what would be expected from the director of the outrageous cult classic "The Life of Ricky Oh").
7.5 Flying Claws vs Slobbering Jaws out of 10 (GREAT)
"I'll be back, with hairballs"
Bizarre tale of an outerspace feline and her masters who are looking for a mystic artifact to allow them to return to their home planet but are pursued by a body-snatching lava monster from the depths of space hell bent on tearing them and anything that gets in its way apart.
Strange yet effective mashup of Hong Kong shootemup action movies and alien invasion flicks, the movie is famous for its amazing animatronic Cat vs Dog kung fu action scene that goes where no animal film goes before. The hokey space princess and her wise patrons are pretty laughable, and the out of nowhere Terminator-like bullet fests prolong the final conflict with the impressive spaghetti-space monster. Quite a ride for those willing to board, The Cat is certainly unwestern and unique in all ways (exactly what would be expected from the director of the outrageous cult classic "The Life of Ricky Oh").
7.5 Flying Claws vs Slobbering Jaws out of 10 (GREAT)
Highlander 2 (1991)
Highlander 2 (R) - Review
"Have sword, will languish"
A terribly conceived and enacted sequel no matter which version you decide to view (with or without the tacked on "they are aliens" plot it makes no difference), Highlander 2 is laughably bad. The worst things about Lambert's acting are front row and center here, he cannot actually carry a movie (especially one this absurdly silly). After winning The Prize in the previous film, the Highlander has now become old and frail, stuck beneath some Earth saving electronic thingyamajig that keeps the planet from dying from solar radiation (but also makes it not a very fun place to live). Michael Ironsides sends some hedgehog looking minions (form the past or from future or from another dimension depending on which version) to assassinate him, thereby restarting the contest and attempting to halt him from shutting down the shield of his own creation. Just typing that made me feel stupid, just as stupid as Sean Connery must have felt for signing up for this onscreen abortion. Ironsides grits his teeth and becomes a whipping boy for Capitalism, Lambert once again gets a girl and has to explain the whole bloody mess again, people from the future again resort to swords and sorcery to behead each other. Without the eminent Mr. Connery to lighten and infuse some scenes with his own brand of cool this movie would have just been a sign of just how bad 1990s franchises were in Hollywood. As it stands it can be a bit of a guilty pleasure if you can just laugh at the dregs. A movie only a decapitated mother could love.
2 Inaccurate Scottish Accents out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Have sword, will languish"
A terribly conceived and enacted sequel no matter which version you decide to view (with or without the tacked on "they are aliens" plot it makes no difference), Highlander 2 is laughably bad. The worst things about Lambert's acting are front row and center here, he cannot actually carry a movie (especially one this absurdly silly). After winning The Prize in the previous film, the Highlander has now become old and frail, stuck beneath some Earth saving electronic thingyamajig that keeps the planet from dying from solar radiation (but also makes it not a very fun place to live). Michael Ironsides sends some hedgehog looking minions (form the past or from future or from another dimension depending on which version) to assassinate him, thereby restarting the contest and attempting to halt him from shutting down the shield of his own creation. Just typing that made me feel stupid, just as stupid as Sean Connery must have felt for signing up for this onscreen abortion. Ironsides grits his teeth and becomes a whipping boy for Capitalism, Lambert once again gets a girl and has to explain the whole bloody mess again, people from the future again resort to swords and sorcery to behead each other. Without the eminent Mr. Connery to lighten and infuse some scenes with his own brand of cool this movie would have just been a sign of just how bad 1990s franchises were in Hollywood. As it stands it can be a bit of a guilty pleasure if you can just laugh at the dregs. A movie only a decapitated mother could love.
2 Inaccurate Scottish Accents out of 10 (AWFUL)
Troll 2 (1990)
Troll 2 (R) - Review
"Vegan voodoo doodoo"
Fake sequel to the 1986 Cult Classic, Troll 2 finds a different family vacationing to the town of Nilbog, a farming community where good health abounds. Upon arrival they are soon beset by vegan Goblins (the Trolls of the renamed title), witches turning their children into vegetable mush and a vast conspiracy of the towns folk. A bewildering plot written by the Italian director and his vegan wife, acted by local nonactors and often proclaimed the "Worst Film Ever Made", Troll 2 has so bad its good tattooed on its forehead in neon green. If it's nonsensical plot and vegetable propaganda don't get you, the unique dialog and acting styles will. The actors make lemonade out of a lemon, and what a huge lemon it is. Horrible costumes and make up FX, terrible lines and VHS quality video all captained by an irate Italian director who insists the film is a success despite all evidence to the contrary (even his studio named it after the 86 version just to try and attempt ti up viewership).
Laughing during viewing, usually at and not with, makes it all worthwhile.
2 Ghost Grandpas out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Vegan voodoo doodoo"
Fake sequel to the 1986 Cult Classic, Troll 2 finds a different family vacationing to the town of Nilbog, a farming community where good health abounds. Upon arrival they are soon beset by vegan Goblins (the Trolls of the renamed title), witches turning their children into vegetable mush and a vast conspiracy of the towns folk. A bewildering plot written by the Italian director and his vegan wife, acted by local nonactors and often proclaimed the "Worst Film Ever Made", Troll 2 has so bad its good tattooed on its forehead in neon green. If it's nonsensical plot and vegetable propaganda don't get you, the unique dialog and acting styles will. The actors make lemonade out of a lemon, and what a huge lemon it is. Horrible costumes and make up FX, terrible lines and VHS quality video all captained by an irate Italian director who insists the film is a success despite all evidence to the contrary (even his studio named it after the 86 version just to try and attempt ti up viewership).
Laughing during viewing, usually at and not with, makes it all worthwhile.
2 Ghost Grandpas out of 10 (AWFUL)
Hell Comes To Frog Town (1988)
Hell Comes To Frog Town (R) - Review
"You are One Weird Dude."
Sam Hell, the last sterile man in the post frog-alyptic wasteland of America, is forced by commando female nurses into a quest to rescue some fertile women from the slimy clutches of the mutant amphibious denizens of Frogtown. You see after the last nuclear war the birth rates have bottomed out, sterile US citizens are the norm and Hell's gotta do his duty to single"handedly" get the good ole USA back into fighting shape, if he can get past all the 6 foot frogmen.
Roddy Piper (Hell) broke out of his WWF stereotype in 1988 with the release of both the SciFi masterpiece They Live and campy cult classic Hell Comes To Frog Town. The latter defines BMovie nirvana, a low budget riot of fun with everything you need from 1980s midnight movies: cornball dialogue with amazing over acting, a much better plot and leading man than anyone was expecting, far superior makeup effects than the obvious low budget should allow for and just a touch of that genuine 80s sleaze to go along with its ample braun and distorted brains.
Hell Comes To Frog Town is the midnight junk food that you do not need but relish completely from start to finish.
7 Dances of the Three Snakes out of 10 (GOOD)
"You are One Weird Dude."
Sam Hell, the last sterile man in the post frog-alyptic wasteland of America, is forced by commando female nurses into a quest to rescue some fertile women from the slimy clutches of the mutant amphibious denizens of Frogtown. You see after the last nuclear war the birth rates have bottomed out, sterile US citizens are the norm and Hell's gotta do his duty to single"handedly" get the good ole USA back into fighting shape, if he can get past all the 6 foot frogmen.
Roddy Piper (Hell) broke out of his WWF stereotype in 1988 with the release of both the SciFi masterpiece They Live and campy cult classic Hell Comes To Frog Town. The latter defines BMovie nirvana, a low budget riot of fun with everything you need from 1980s midnight movies: cornball dialogue with amazing over acting, a much better plot and leading man than anyone was expecting, far superior makeup effects than the obvious low budget should allow for and just a touch of that genuine 80s sleaze to go along with its ample braun and distorted brains.
Hell Comes To Frog Town is the midnight junk food that you do not need but relish completely from start to finish.
7 Dances of the Three Snakes out of 10 (GOOD)
Rock N Roll Nightmare (1987)
Rock N Roll Nightmare (R)
"Sex, Dishes, more Sex, more Dishes & then Rock N Roll"
A rock group heads to the Canadian country side to work on a new album free of distraction (except from their own women), where unbeknownst to them Beelezbub and his minions are also looking to rock out with their souls in direct-to-video cheapie Rock N Roll Nightmare.
It's hard to come down on a silly flick like RNR Nightmare, an exuberantly Canadian horror flick with some talented special effects work that tries to do too much with too little, some mildly talented and territorially famous musicians without a lick of acting talent and a director who can point a lens at things but would probably be better off staying home and getting drunk. It's all fueled by the cult of Thor, or actually Jon Mikl-Thor, a formed body builder aka Glam-rock star aka movie star aka human-meat loaf who couldn't act his way out of a brown paper bag. It's hard to come down on something so effortlessly lame, there are unconscious shades of Spinal Tap throughout, but down we must go. Between the endless stilted banter, the countless scenes of doing the dishes, the gratuitously bad love scenes which sometimes run back to back, the Canadian-tinged accents, the cans of Coke instead of Cocaine, to the hopelessly awfully jaw dropping silly conclusion, all scored with bland aging arena rock, Rock N Roll Nightmare is more like a dream that you wake up from and wonder "must have been something I ate," chuckle to yourself and then effortlessly roll over and fall back asleep.
2 Funny Little One Eyed Puppets that steal the show out of 10 (BAD)
"Sex, Dishes, more Sex, more Dishes & then Rock N Roll"
A rock group heads to the Canadian country side to work on a new album free of distraction (except from their own women), where unbeknownst to them Beelezbub and his minions are also looking to rock out with their souls in direct-to-video cheapie Rock N Roll Nightmare.
It's hard to come down on a silly flick like RNR Nightmare, an exuberantly Canadian horror flick with some talented special effects work that tries to do too much with too little, some mildly talented and territorially famous musicians without a lick of acting talent and a director who can point a lens at things but would probably be better off staying home and getting drunk. It's all fueled by the cult of Thor, or actually Jon Mikl-Thor, a formed body builder aka Glam-rock star aka movie star aka human-meat loaf who couldn't act his way out of a brown paper bag. It's hard to come down on something so effortlessly lame, there are unconscious shades of Spinal Tap throughout, but down we must go. Between the endless stilted banter, the countless scenes of doing the dishes, the gratuitously bad love scenes which sometimes run back to back, the Canadian-tinged accents, the cans of Coke instead of Cocaine, to the hopelessly awfully jaw dropping silly conclusion, all scored with bland aging arena rock, Rock N Roll Nightmare is more like a dream that you wake up from and wonder "must have been something I ate," chuckle to yourself and then effortlessly roll over and fall back asleep.
2 Funny Little One Eyed Puppets that steal the show out of 10 (BAD)
Miami Connection (1987)
Miami Connection (R) - Review
"D.A.R.E. to keep Ninjas off drugs"
A new drug cartel has set up shop in 1980s Miami, and their violence and depravity knows no bounds. These ninjas on cocaine are about to rule the streets, and only the synthrock groove of local martial arts and musical group Dragon Sound can stop the madness!
Lost for over 20 years, Miami Connection has gained cult status thanks to a Drafthouse films rerelease in 2012. The film was purchased on ebay for $50 and ran for a couple midnight showings, where its infectious violence, 1980s dance scene music, neon laden visuals and happy go lucky attitudes caught on like wildfire there and spread to the internet, saved from obscurity.
The movie is the brain child of martial artist Y.K. Kim, a self help guru and master of taekwondo and friend of Korean director Park Woo-sang. Kim, a tireless self promoter, wanted a larger platform to philosophize and show off his talents. Recruiting his students and shooting in authentic Florida locales, the film revolves around a group of orphans lead by Kim who perform martial arts and music together until they are confronted by a deadly army of motorcycle ninjas who are trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Entire sections of the movie are disjointed and surreal, there is an apparent reel of shakily performed taekwondo practice footage all done in slo motion that can only be included here to pad run time, show off real martial arts and setup situations for the big finale. The synthdrum heavy soundtrack is catchy, which is good since Miami Connection teeters into music video territory with whole entire songs being performed on stage by the band ala Purple Rain. The evil ninjas, joined by outlandishly characterized local ruffians, are miffed by Dragon Sound's snubbings (and the datings of their sisters) and begin an all out rumble in the jungle (or perhaps a tromp in the swamp is more appropriate), an emotional all out war expertly paced and choreographed by Park and Kim, delivering a satisfyingly brutal conclusion.
The orphans are the heroes and stars here and what with the atrociously amateur acting and insanely bizarre character subplots these good guys brazenly outshine some of Hollywood's recent attempts at making a "so bad its good, on purpose" film. This is "so good its good, on purpose" on a shoestring budget (but still with fun gore effects and good action), with a group of guys who were obviously friends of a likeable and enigmatic (though barely intelligible) Korean-born but all American entrepreneur/Grand Master guru. The result is pure joy, kids playing ninjas in a swamp and slashing each other with katanas, people jumping up and down on stage pretending they can play an instrument, people way over emoting on screen while the rock track blares and the neon burns. This movie is everything that was right in the world of the 80s, made by a man who didn't know what he was doing but doing it so well, instilling in it a precocious love of martial arts and a philosophically positive attitude that everything will work out (especially if you reshoot the ending!).
Miami Connection is a retro80s sugar high whose only comedown happens when the movie ends and you notice no one is wearing legwarmers anymore.
8 Songs about Ninjas out of 10 (GREAT)
"D.A.R.E. to keep Ninjas off drugs"
A new drug cartel has set up shop in 1980s Miami, and their violence and depravity knows no bounds. These ninjas on cocaine are about to rule the streets, and only the synthrock groove of local martial arts and musical group Dragon Sound can stop the madness!
Lost for over 20 years, Miami Connection has gained cult status thanks to a Drafthouse films rerelease in 2012. The film was purchased on ebay for $50 and ran for a couple midnight showings, where its infectious violence, 1980s dance scene music, neon laden visuals and happy go lucky attitudes caught on like wildfire there and spread to the internet, saved from obscurity.
The movie is the brain child of martial artist Y.K. Kim, a self help guru and master of taekwondo and friend of Korean director Park Woo-sang. Kim, a tireless self promoter, wanted a larger platform to philosophize and show off his talents. Recruiting his students and shooting in authentic Florida locales, the film revolves around a group of orphans lead by Kim who perform martial arts and music together until they are confronted by a deadly army of motorcycle ninjas who are trying to smuggle cocaine into the country. Entire sections of the movie are disjointed and surreal, there is an apparent reel of shakily performed taekwondo practice footage all done in slo motion that can only be included here to pad run time, show off real martial arts and setup situations for the big finale. The synthdrum heavy soundtrack is catchy, which is good since Miami Connection teeters into music video territory with whole entire songs being performed on stage by the band ala Purple Rain. The evil ninjas, joined by outlandishly characterized local ruffians, are miffed by Dragon Sound's snubbings (and the datings of their sisters) and begin an all out rumble in the jungle (or perhaps a tromp in the swamp is more appropriate), an emotional all out war expertly paced and choreographed by Park and Kim, delivering a satisfyingly brutal conclusion.
The orphans are the heroes and stars here and what with the atrociously amateur acting and insanely bizarre character subplots these good guys brazenly outshine some of Hollywood's recent attempts at making a "so bad its good, on purpose" film. This is "so good its good, on purpose" on a shoestring budget (but still with fun gore effects and good action), with a group of guys who were obviously friends of a likeable and enigmatic (though barely intelligible) Korean-born but all American entrepreneur/Grand Master guru. The result is pure joy, kids playing ninjas in a swamp and slashing each other with katanas, people jumping up and down on stage pretending they can play an instrument, people way over emoting on screen while the rock track blares and the neon burns. This movie is everything that was right in the world of the 80s, made by a man who didn't know what he was doing but doing it so well, instilling in it a precocious love of martial arts and a philosophically positive attitude that everything will work out (especially if you reshoot the ending!).
Miami Connection is a retro80s sugar high whose only comedown happens when the movie ends and you notice no one is wearing legwarmers anymore.
8 Songs about Ninjas out of 10 (GREAT)
Cobra (1986)
Cobra (R) - Review
"Send a Maniac"
A "zombie squad" cop must track down a cult of psychopathic killers and their leader before they strike down the only beautiful witness alive in this violently commercial respinning of Dirty Harry politics for the 1980s. Starring (and adapted from a novel by) Sylvester Stallone, the film sprouts more dumb one liners and obvious product placements than a half dozen other 1980s action flicks, yet there is a ignoramus bravado that is hard not to admire. Stallone's Mario Cobretti is the prototype he strived to achieve in all subsequent films; tough guy, sunglasses, cool car, heart of gold and ruthlessly violent.
This slice of golden cheese is as pure American popular filmmaking as only an Italian Director like George Cosmatos (Rambo 2) could have pieced together. Brigitte Nielsen (Red Sonja) stars as the witness/love interest/robot fashion model, and if you find that hard to swallow just drive down to the supermarket in your 52 Coupe, snatch a beer off the shelf and down it while defusing a shotgun wielding maniac in a hostage situation.
7 Cutting Pizza with Scissors out of 10 (GOOD)
"Send a Maniac"
A "zombie squad" cop must track down a cult of psychopathic killers and their leader before they strike down the only beautiful witness alive in this violently commercial respinning of Dirty Harry politics for the 1980s. Starring (and adapted from a novel by) Sylvester Stallone, the film sprouts more dumb one liners and obvious product placements than a half dozen other 1980s action flicks, yet there is a ignoramus bravado that is hard not to admire. Stallone's Mario Cobretti is the prototype he strived to achieve in all subsequent films; tough guy, sunglasses, cool car, heart of gold and ruthlessly violent.
This slice of golden cheese is as pure American popular filmmaking as only an Italian Director like George Cosmatos (Rambo 2) could have pieced together. Brigitte Nielsen (Red Sonja) stars as the witness/love interest/robot fashion model, and if you find that hard to swallow just drive down to the supermarket in your 52 Coupe, snatch a beer off the shelf and down it while defusing a shotgun wielding maniac in a hostage situation.
7 Cutting Pizza with Scissors out of 10 (GOOD)
Troll (1986)
Troll (R) - Review
"Short people got, no reason to live"
A family moves into a slipshod San Francisco apartment, unaware that it is haunted by a supernatural Troll hellbent on taking over the complex (sure why not). The equally neurotic and eclectic tenants all soon fall under its spell as it zaps them with a green magic ring and vines start growing from the walls after it has taken over the family's young daughter, Wendy. Only her kid brother Harry Potter Jr. attributes her bizarre evil behavior with the stunted freak roaming the halls, and with the help of the good witch upstairs attempts to fight the corruption and get his sister back.
This film mixes creepy with surreal quite well, and looks better than it sounds. The titular troll has good makeup and effects, the sets are minimal yet adequate, the acting ranges from fun campy to over the top campy (watch for Law & Order's Micheal Moriarty as dear old clueless beer loving dad). Downright freakshow plot is elevated by its voracious need to entertain in the face of it's shortcomings and has achieved a well-deserved cult status as a fun little midnight movie.
6 Short People with beards out of 10 (GOOD)
"Short people got, no reason to live"
A family moves into a slipshod San Francisco apartment, unaware that it is haunted by a supernatural Troll hellbent on taking over the complex (sure why not). The equally neurotic and eclectic tenants all soon fall under its spell as it zaps them with a green magic ring and vines start growing from the walls after it has taken over the family's young daughter, Wendy. Only her kid brother Harry Potter Jr. attributes her bizarre evil behavior with the stunted freak roaming the halls, and with the help of the good witch upstairs attempts to fight the corruption and get his sister back.
This film mixes creepy with surreal quite well, and looks better than it sounds. The titular troll has good makeup and effects, the sets are minimal yet adequate, the acting ranges from fun campy to over the top campy (watch for Law & Order's Micheal Moriarty as dear old clueless beer loving dad). Downright freakshow plot is elevated by its voracious need to entertain in the face of it's shortcomings and has achieved a well-deserved cult status as a fun little midnight movie.
6 Short People with beards out of 10 (GOOD)
The Deadly Spawn (1983)
The Deadly Spawn (R) - Review
"ET Spawn Home"
Independant Horror films have always been a haven for those who wish to break into the Film industry. George Romero with his Living Dead series, Sam Raimi and the Evil Dead, all began by creating midnight masterpieces to scare the tar out of audience, but more importantly take their money. The Deadly Spawn is a distant cousin of this process, a charming zero budgeted diamond in the rough overlooked for decades.
Meteors fall to earth containing the Deadly Spawn. They begin to devour the local residents, and the teenage kids must band together to survive, yadda yadda The Blob yadda yadda Little Shop. The appeal of this movie is not the horror movie tropes it fetishisticaly (and articulately) abides by, but in fact its the ones it eschews. The plot of the film is entirely unpredicatable and delightfully surprising at every turn. No one is safe from the toothy blind menace, not even a granny cooked vegetarian smorgasbord! The creatures themselves are amateurish yet authentic looking, their teeth supposedly handmade by a local dentist. As the little devils grow so does the bloody violence. Smart cliche-busting ideas, thick coats of elbow grease and amatuer zeal soak the entire production making it a highly enjoyable experience as you root for the cast and the crew. The ending screams "Hollywood, are you paying attention? I'm better than most of your huge budgeted snorefests, lets make sequels together!", a cry that fell on deaf ears (or were they chewed off?).
7 No Way Should It Be This Good out of 10 (GOOD)
"ET Spawn Home"
Independant Horror films have always been a haven for those who wish to break into the Film industry. George Romero with his Living Dead series, Sam Raimi and the Evil Dead, all began by creating midnight masterpieces to scare the tar out of audience, but more importantly take their money. The Deadly Spawn is a distant cousin of this process, a charming zero budgeted diamond in the rough overlooked for decades.
Meteors fall to earth containing the Deadly Spawn. They begin to devour the local residents, and the teenage kids must band together to survive, yadda yadda The Blob yadda yadda Little Shop. The appeal of this movie is not the horror movie tropes it fetishisticaly (and articulately) abides by, but in fact its the ones it eschews. The plot of the film is entirely unpredicatable and delightfully surprising at every turn. No one is safe from the toothy blind menace, not even a granny cooked vegetarian smorgasbord! The creatures themselves are amateurish yet authentic looking, their teeth supposedly handmade by a local dentist. As the little devils grow so does the bloody violence. Smart cliche-busting ideas, thick coats of elbow grease and amatuer zeal soak the entire production making it a highly enjoyable experience as you root for the cast and the crew. The ending screams "Hollywood, are you paying attention? I'm better than most of your huge budgeted snorefests, lets make sequels together!", a cry that fell on deaf ears (or were they chewed off?).
7 No Way Should It Be This Good out of 10 (GOOD)
Evilspeak (1982)
Evilspeak (R)
"When Howy met Carrie"
Take DePalma's hit movie Carrie, copy it but make the lead a misunderstood computer guy nerd, and instead of the waifish Sissy Spacek hire the other Howard brother (that would be Clint), and make the setting a strict military school that has a basement filled with arcane satanic artifacts that can provide your bullied teen with his needed supernatural revenge, and you have Evilspeak. A low budget cash-in on the 80s mania for cheap horror films, the movie levitates just above the pack with some good visuals, well made violence and retro computer usage. Just like Stephen King's wet dreams, the movie is judged by the climax, and Evilspeak delivers as Howard goes over to the darkside and is possessed by the spirit of satanic Esteban (Richard Moll in one of his many Bmovie villain roles) and brings the house down (or chapel in this case). Fun, weird and whole-heartedly blasphemous (hey, Exorcist was pretty successful too!), Evilspeak isn't a great film but is a good knock-off.
6 Clint Howard doesn't really need a mask out of 10 (GOOD)
"When Howy met Carrie"
Take DePalma's hit movie Carrie, copy it but make the lead a misunderstood computer guy nerd, and instead of the waifish Sissy Spacek hire the other Howard brother (that would be Clint), and make the setting a strict military school that has a basement filled with arcane satanic artifacts that can provide your bullied teen with his needed supernatural revenge, and you have Evilspeak. A low budget cash-in on the 80s mania for cheap horror films, the movie levitates just above the pack with some good visuals, well made violence and retro computer usage. Just like Stephen King's wet dreams, the movie is judged by the climax, and Evilspeak delivers as Howard goes over to the darkside and is possessed by the spirit of satanic Esteban (Richard Moll in one of his many Bmovie villain roles) and brings the house down (or chapel in this case). Fun, weird and whole-heartedly blasphemous (hey, Exorcist was pretty successful too!), Evilspeak isn't a great film but is a good knock-off.
6 Clint Howard doesn't really need a mask out of 10 (GOOD)
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About Me
- Kevin Gasaway via HardDrawn
- Turlock, California, United States
- Media and Reviews by Kevin Gasaway