Hardcore Henry - R
An augmented man with no memory chases after his wife who is kidnapped out of the Russian lab he was created in, rushing through the buildings, streets and rails in a nonstop barrage of violence and first person camera work in the very video-game like Hardcore Henry.
Hardcore Henry is basically the longest (and worst acted) GoPro camera commercial in existence. Yet the footage doesn't have the visual definition usually seen on the big screen for a big release, it can be an unpleasant blurry mess (especially in low light). The acting is atrocious, the main villain has followed the "bad movie actor playbook" as close as possible, shouting lines and gritting teeth and flipping his hair while avoiding actually killing the protagonist at all times. The other extras and leads limp along in his wake.
Hardcore Henry is original in being the first movie to pull this genre off, and yet is wholly unoriginal by not only aping most First Person video games but also not matching them. With high end PCs and PS4s now most games look better than Henry's scummy sunlit scenes. The film's finale is the worst kind of final video game level, with terrible video graphics, long time coming plot twist, easily disposed cannon fodder and hammy acting from your cackling final Boss. But considering how low budget H. Henry must be, how much seat of the pants filmmaking it must have used, you can't help but gain a grudging respect for the project (and quite a bit of fun).
For instance, Sharlto Copley's role as a scientist who has invented Henry's technology is a breath of fresh air from all the mind numbing punching and jumping. Despite a severely underwhelming lead role in Eleysium and being a possible albatross on this production, here his comedic antics make him the only visible actor who has a grasp of how to behave on camera. And he takes it to extremes (much to the filmmakers credit) by playing a plethora of characters ala Peter Sellers, each with their own costumes and funny accents. It is the only part of Henry that took any balls to put to screen, after all the action stunt work and parkour sequences are what we would expect. Add that to a seldom seen peek into the suburban sprawl of life in Russia and it's satellite states, some outstanding action and death defying stunts makes Hardcore Henry not a bad movie, it's just not as violent as the title promised, not as original as it's poster promised, and not as revolutionary as it is entertaining.
5.5 Steel Knuckles out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
Showing posts with label BMovie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BMovie. Show all posts
Elvira's Haunted Hills (2002)
Elvira's Haunted Hills (PG-13)
"Everything I see reminds me of her"
Elvira returns in a much toned down form in Elvira's Haunted Hills. The title of the movie is almost the only piece of comedy; her sexual entendres and innuendo's of the past are replaced with bad sets, bad acting, and worse scripting. A "bad on purpose" plot of Elvira vamping (lamely) at a European mansion is bad for a 1960 soap opera or a seedy porno, neither whose level of competence can Hills hope to achieve. Hard core fans will want to watch anything Elvira slaps her name on and her mammories into, but the only joke is that this even got made. Cassandra Peterson's creation either deserves far better treatment or to be left in the grave slathered in concealing makeup.
2 Least There Are Still Hills to Haunt out of 10 (BAD)
"Everything I see reminds me of her"
Elvira returns in a much toned down form in Elvira's Haunted Hills. The title of the movie is almost the only piece of comedy; her sexual entendres and innuendo's of the past are replaced with bad sets, bad acting, and worse scripting. A "bad on purpose" plot of Elvira vamping (lamely) at a European mansion is bad for a 1960 soap opera or a seedy porno, neither whose level of competence can Hills hope to achieve. Hard core fans will want to watch anything Elvira slaps her name on and her mammories into, but the only joke is that this even got made. Cassandra Peterson's creation either deserves far better treatment or to be left in the grave slathered in concealing makeup.
2 Least There Are Still Hills to Haunt out of 10 (BAD)
Troll 2 (1990)
Troll 2 (R) - Review
"Vegan voodoo doodoo"
Fake sequel to the 1986 Cult Classic, Troll 2 finds a different family vacationing to the town of Nilbog, a farming community where good health abounds. Upon arrival they are soon beset by vegan Goblins (the Trolls of the renamed title), witches turning their children into vegetable mush and a vast conspiracy of the towns folk. A bewildering plot written by the Italian director and his vegan wife, acted by local nonactors and often proclaimed the "Worst Film Ever Made", Troll 2 has so bad its good tattooed on its forehead in neon green. If it's nonsensical plot and vegetable propaganda don't get you, the unique dialog and acting styles will. The actors make lemonade out of a lemon, and what a huge lemon it is. Horrible costumes and make up FX, terrible lines and VHS quality video all captained by an irate Italian director who insists the film is a success despite all evidence to the contrary (even his studio named it after the 86 version just to try and attempt ti up viewership).
Laughing during viewing, usually at and not with, makes it all worthwhile.
2 Ghost Grandpas out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Vegan voodoo doodoo"
Fake sequel to the 1986 Cult Classic, Troll 2 finds a different family vacationing to the town of Nilbog, a farming community where good health abounds. Upon arrival they are soon beset by vegan Goblins (the Trolls of the renamed title), witches turning their children into vegetable mush and a vast conspiracy of the towns folk. A bewildering plot written by the Italian director and his vegan wife, acted by local nonactors and often proclaimed the "Worst Film Ever Made", Troll 2 has so bad its good tattooed on its forehead in neon green. If it's nonsensical plot and vegetable propaganda don't get you, the unique dialog and acting styles will. The actors make lemonade out of a lemon, and what a huge lemon it is. Horrible costumes and make up FX, terrible lines and VHS quality video all captained by an irate Italian director who insists the film is a success despite all evidence to the contrary (even his studio named it after the 86 version just to try and attempt ti up viewership).
Laughing during viewing, usually at and not with, makes it all worthwhile.
2 Ghost Grandpas out of 10 (AWFUL)
Troll (1986)
Troll (R) - Review
"Short people got, no reason to live"
A family moves into a slipshod San Francisco apartment, unaware that it is haunted by a supernatural Troll hellbent on taking over the complex (sure why not). The equally neurotic and eclectic tenants all soon fall under its spell as it zaps them with a green magic ring and vines start growing from the walls after it has taken over the family's young daughter, Wendy. Only her kid brother Harry Potter Jr. attributes her bizarre evil behavior with the stunted freak roaming the halls, and with the help of the good witch upstairs attempts to fight the corruption and get his sister back.
This film mixes creepy with surreal quite well, and looks better than it sounds. The titular troll has good makeup and effects, the sets are minimal yet adequate, the acting ranges from fun campy to over the top campy (watch for Law & Order's Micheal Moriarty as dear old clueless beer loving dad). Downright freakshow plot is elevated by its voracious need to entertain in the face of it's shortcomings and has achieved a well-deserved cult status as a fun little midnight movie.
6 Short People with beards out of 10 (GOOD)
"Short people got, no reason to live"
A family moves into a slipshod San Francisco apartment, unaware that it is haunted by a supernatural Troll hellbent on taking over the complex (sure why not). The equally neurotic and eclectic tenants all soon fall under its spell as it zaps them with a green magic ring and vines start growing from the walls after it has taken over the family's young daughter, Wendy. Only her kid brother Harry Potter Jr. attributes her bizarre evil behavior with the stunted freak roaming the halls, and with the help of the good witch upstairs attempts to fight the corruption and get his sister back.
This film mixes creepy with surreal quite well, and looks better than it sounds. The titular troll has good makeup and effects, the sets are minimal yet adequate, the acting ranges from fun campy to over the top campy (watch for Law & Order's Micheal Moriarty as dear old clueless beer loving dad). Downright freakshow plot is elevated by its voracious need to entertain in the face of it's shortcomings and has achieved a well-deserved cult status as a fun little midnight movie.
6 Short People with beards out of 10 (GOOD)
Evilspeak (1982)
Evilspeak (R)
"When Howy met Carrie"
Take DePalma's hit movie Carrie, copy it but make the lead a misunderstood computer guy nerd, and instead of the waifish Sissy Spacek hire the other Howard brother (that would be Clint), and make the setting a strict military school that has a basement filled with arcane satanic artifacts that can provide your bullied teen with his needed supernatural revenge, and you have Evilspeak. A low budget cash-in on the 80s mania for cheap horror films, the movie levitates just above the pack with some good visuals, well made violence and retro computer usage. Just like Stephen King's wet dreams, the movie is judged by the climax, and Evilspeak delivers as Howard goes over to the darkside and is possessed by the spirit of satanic Esteban (Richard Moll in one of his many Bmovie villain roles) and brings the house down (or chapel in this case). Fun, weird and whole-heartedly blasphemous (hey, Exorcist was pretty successful too!), Evilspeak isn't a great film but is a good knock-off.
6 Clint Howard doesn't really need a mask out of 10 (GOOD)
"When Howy met Carrie"
Take DePalma's hit movie Carrie, copy it but make the lead a misunderstood computer guy nerd, and instead of the waifish Sissy Spacek hire the other Howard brother (that would be Clint), and make the setting a strict military school that has a basement filled with arcane satanic artifacts that can provide your bullied teen with his needed supernatural revenge, and you have Evilspeak. A low budget cash-in on the 80s mania for cheap horror films, the movie levitates just above the pack with some good visuals, well made violence and retro computer usage. Just like Stephen King's wet dreams, the movie is judged by the climax, and Evilspeak delivers as Howard goes over to the darkside and is possessed by the spirit of satanic Esteban (Richard Moll in one of his many Bmovie villain roles) and brings the house down (or chapel in this case). Fun, weird and whole-heartedly blasphemous (hey, Exorcist was pretty successful too!), Evilspeak isn't a great film but is a good knock-off.
6 Clint Howard doesn't really need a mask out of 10 (GOOD)
Don't Go In The House (1980)
Don't Go In The House (R)
One of the video nasties of the 1980's, Don't Go In The House's title belies it's uncampy tone and grim creepy misogyny that it has on display as a socially awkward man starts preying on the women of his town once his domineering mother is out of the picture.
The slasher psycho killer genre of horror films originated with Hitchcock's Psycho, and is copied short hand in DGITH. But those calling it a knock off will miss the skin crawling differences between Donny Kohler and Normal Bates. The physical abuse of his childhood is shown happening to Donny, his adult character and social abilities obviously flawed because of it (unlike Bates who could "fit in" for years and who's abuse was only implied). The opening scene where he is transfixed and fascinated by a fellow co-worker who accidentally catches fire sets the scene for a truly mentally broken individual who you can feel for, and when he reaches for the flame thrower there is a kind of unhealthy satisfaction that occurs for both fictional character and viewer. It is a vexing sensation, one that must be acknowledged.
There are very few scenes of actual violence on display, but one of those few was so psychologically damning that got it banned by the UK. All the pieces come together there; Donny's psychology, the fear of his victims, the insanity of his childhood, and despite its small budget and limited special effects the scene works chillingly well and haunts the viewer afterward due to its effectiveness of visuals and editing. Of course surrounding that one scene is a lot of buildup and a lot of hemming and hawing before it's conclusion, and yet the film holds together on the fetishistic horror and skin crawling of just that one scene, and one can hardly blame the British censors for putting the kibosh on it despite it's low body count. The simple fact is Don't Go In The House (or its original title of Pyromaniac) isn't as completely outlandish as it's title screamed. In reality the film's portrayal of a killer skews closer to the reality of the sick perverted weirdos that have actually stalked our streets, making it all the more freaky and a boon for horror genre buffs.
6 Flame Retardant Suit BBQ out of 10 (GOOD)
One of the video nasties of the 1980's, Don't Go In The House's title belies it's uncampy tone and grim creepy misogyny that it has on display as a socially awkward man starts preying on the women of his town once his domineering mother is out of the picture.
The slasher psycho killer genre of horror films originated with Hitchcock's Psycho, and is copied short hand in DGITH. But those calling it a knock off will miss the skin crawling differences between Donny Kohler and Normal Bates. The physical abuse of his childhood is shown happening to Donny, his adult character and social abilities obviously flawed because of it (unlike Bates who could "fit in" for years and who's abuse was only implied). The opening scene where he is transfixed and fascinated by a fellow co-worker who accidentally catches fire sets the scene for a truly mentally broken individual who you can feel for, and when he reaches for the flame thrower there is a kind of unhealthy satisfaction that occurs for both fictional character and viewer. It is a vexing sensation, one that must be acknowledged.
There are very few scenes of actual violence on display, but one of those few was so psychologically damning that got it banned by the UK. All the pieces come together there; Donny's psychology, the fear of his victims, the insanity of his childhood, and despite its small budget and limited special effects the scene works chillingly well and haunts the viewer afterward due to its effectiveness of visuals and editing. Of course surrounding that one scene is a lot of buildup and a lot of hemming and hawing before it's conclusion, and yet the film holds together on the fetishistic horror and skin crawling of just that one scene, and one can hardly blame the British censors for putting the kibosh on it despite it's low body count. The simple fact is Don't Go In The House (or its original title of Pyromaniac) isn't as completely outlandish as it's title screamed. In reality the film's portrayal of a killer skews closer to the reality of the sick perverted weirdos that have actually stalked our streets, making it all the more freaky and a boon for horror genre buffs.
6 Flame Retardant Suit BBQ out of 10 (GOOD)
Motel Hell (1980)
Motel Hell (R)
"They Check In..."
Farmer Vincent and his family are planting and reaping their curious crop to supply their famous delicious fritters (made out of critters) for the whole county. all the while maintaining their roadside reststop Motel Hello. But when Vince saves a young girl after a motorcycle accident, Vincent falls head over heels in love with her, igniting sibling rivalry and exposes the family's secret recipe for carnage.
Odd distant relative of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre's success, Motel Hell cribs most of its plot and ideas from its horror film betters. However it stands out from the population of ripoffs with its own wildly flavorful ideas that have to be seen to believed, unusual casting (Rory Calhoun and Wolfman Jack amongst those playing against type), and a blackly comic vibe with a country-like innocence that sometimes works. The final conflict provides thrills, chills and kills but not enough to spare(rib) the movie from choking on its own regurgitated film bones.
5.5 Pork Product Helmet Chainsaw Duels out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
"They Check In..."
Farmer Vincent and his family are planting and reaping their curious crop to supply their famous delicious fritters (made out of critters) for the whole county. all the while maintaining their roadside reststop Motel Hello. But when Vince saves a young girl after a motorcycle accident, Vincent falls head over heels in love with her, igniting sibling rivalry and exposes the family's secret recipe for carnage.
Odd distant relative of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre's success, Motel Hell cribs most of its plot and ideas from its horror film betters. However it stands out from the population of ripoffs with its own wildly flavorful ideas that have to be seen to believed, unusual casting (Rory Calhoun and Wolfman Jack amongst those playing against type), and a blackly comic vibe with a country-like innocence that sometimes works. The final conflict provides thrills, chills and kills but not enough to spare(rib) the movie from choking on its own regurgitated film bones.
5.5 Pork Product Helmet Chainsaw Duels out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
Piranha (1978)
Piranha (R) - Review
"Swarm Welcome"
Hailed by Steven Spielberg as the best of the Jaws knock-offs, Piranha is directed by Joe Dante (future filmmaker of Gremlins for that same Spielberg, he must have been impressed) with good effects by young future gore master Rob Bottin. The story isn't really trying to be original: killer fish, intrepid heroes who are ignored by the authorities, kids at swimming camp, a beach BBQ by the river, yadda yadda roll fish. It's the little touches that separate the Piranha from the shark: a bizarre Vietnam military subplot, the insurance investigator as main heroine with an odd characterization, a leisurely slow float on a lograft in a race to prevent the nasty little fishies from eating the little kiddies, an entertaining breakout from a jail cell. Dante's career was made and a new toothy franchise was born, complete with cliffhanger ending (all thanks of course to Roger Corman).
6 Innertube butt bites out of 10 (GOOD)
"Swarm Welcome"
Hailed by Steven Spielberg as the best of the Jaws knock-offs, Piranha is directed by Joe Dante (future filmmaker of Gremlins for that same Spielberg, he must have been impressed) with good effects by young future gore master Rob Bottin. The story isn't really trying to be original: killer fish, intrepid heroes who are ignored by the authorities, kids at swimming camp, a beach BBQ by the river, yadda yadda roll fish. It's the little touches that separate the Piranha from the shark: a bizarre Vietnam military subplot, the insurance investigator as main heroine with an odd characterization, a leisurely slow float on a lograft in a race to prevent the nasty little fishies from eating the little kiddies, an entertaining breakout from a jail cell. Dante's career was made and a new toothy franchise was born, complete with cliffhanger ending (all thanks of course to Roger Corman).
6 Innertube butt bites out of 10 (GOOD)
Zoltan Hound of Dracula (1978)
Zoltan Hound of Dracula (R) - Review
"Ruff awakening"
Some Russian soldiers blow up some Romanian countryside for some reason, accidentally unearthing the last resting place of Dracula ... and his dog, Zoltan. The dog and his creepy faced owner must now strive to find the last living relative of Dracula, a devout family man living in America who is taking his family, his dogs and their puppies out camping in what looks to be a city park in LA County. The dog-centric premise and the pooches themselves are the showcase (complete with doggie flashback!), while the movie itself is quite a big stupid mutt (but has the requisite more bark than bite). Still there is fun to be had if you feel up to embracing its absurdities and obvious plot holes, toss it a stick and see if it brings anything back.
5.5 Little Vampire Puppies out of 10 (BARELY GOOD)
"Ruff awakening"
Some Russian soldiers blow up some Romanian countryside for some reason, accidentally unearthing the last resting place of Dracula ... and his dog, Zoltan. The dog and his creepy faced owner must now strive to find the last living relative of Dracula, a devout family man living in America who is taking his family, his dogs and their puppies out camping in what looks to be a city park in LA County. The dog-centric premise and the pooches themselves are the showcase (complete with doggie flashback!), while the movie itself is quite a big stupid mutt (but has the requisite more bark than bite). Still there is fun to be had if you feel up to embracing its absurdities and obvious plot holes, toss it a stick and see if it brings anything back.
5.5 Little Vampire Puppies out of 10 (BARELY GOOD)
The Incredible Melting Man (1977)
The Incredibly Melting Man (R) - Review
"You're gonna melt just like a grilled cheese sandwich..."
Steve, an astronaut on a doomed mission in space is exposed to unknown radiation through the rings of Saturn and unsurprisingly to us the viewer upon returning to Earth he begins to melt. What is surprising is that his condition leads him to attack and eat anyone he drippingly meets, and that my friends encompasses the whole of the plot. Originally scripted as a black comedy parody of 1950s & 60s monster movies (for sure the atrocious Monster-A-Go-Go), supposedly the producers cut out most of the intended humor to make it more marketable as a horror movie in the exact vein as Go-Go, ie. cheap, nonsensical and plodding. However misaligned the film may be by film critics and MST3K, Rick Baker's early make up FX are astonishing and the cinematography strangely fascinating with true moments of brilliance. With some truly bizarre scripting and editorial decisions, where luckily some of the humor went un-macheted (including a fun bit with a charming elderly couple in a lemon grove), The Incredible Melting Man is a typical midnight BMovie with more talent hiding in it's little sludgey finger than the likes of Bill Rebane could ever secrete. It's a sloppy, revolting mess... and thats not just custard dripping from Steve's eye talking.
5.5 Slo Motion Nurses out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
"You're gonna melt just like a grilled cheese sandwich..."
Steve, an astronaut on a doomed mission in space is exposed to unknown radiation through the rings of Saturn and unsurprisingly to us the viewer upon returning to Earth he begins to melt. What is surprising is that his condition leads him to attack and eat anyone he drippingly meets, and that my friends encompasses the whole of the plot. Originally scripted as a black comedy parody of 1950s & 60s monster movies (for sure the atrocious Monster-A-Go-Go), supposedly the producers cut out most of the intended humor to make it more marketable as a horror movie in the exact vein as Go-Go, ie. cheap, nonsensical and plodding. However misaligned the film may be by film critics and MST3K, Rick Baker's early make up FX are astonishing and the cinematography strangely fascinating with true moments of brilliance. With some truly bizarre scripting and editorial decisions, where luckily some of the humor went un-macheted (including a fun bit with a charming elderly couple in a lemon grove), The Incredible Melting Man is a typical midnight BMovie with more talent hiding in it's little sludgey finger than the likes of Bill Rebane could ever secrete. It's a sloppy, revolting mess... and thats not just custard dripping from Steve's eye talking.
5.5 Slo Motion Nurses out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
Carnival of Souls (1962)
Carnival of Souls (UR)
"Fresh Organ"
A young woman driving to a new town to start her new job as a church organist (!?) is besieged by visions of waterlogged figures, ghostly ghouls who pursue her through abandoned boardwalks and on streets of her newly adopted home. What secret could be revealed in their dead gaze?
Shot on a microscopic budget, the movie achieves much with its moddy organmusic score, rich black and white photography and a plot structure that either for intelligence or budgetary reasons is not spoon fed to the viewer. Carnival is similar to the best of the Twilight Zone TV series, though predating those and lacking some the series inappropriate humor. Souls obviously inspired many future horror films (not the least of which being Romero's Dead films), but sitll could teach us all a thing or two about small town exuberance, working miracles withing your means and comes wrapped in brilliant outsider-industry charm
7 Empty Merry-Go-Rounds are Creepy, who knew? out of 10 (GOOD)
"Fresh Organ"
A young woman driving to a new town to start her new job as a church organist (!?) is besieged by visions of waterlogged figures, ghostly ghouls who pursue her through abandoned boardwalks and on streets of her newly adopted home. What secret could be revealed in their dead gaze?
Shot on a microscopic budget, the movie achieves much with its moddy organmusic score, rich black and white photography and a plot structure that either for intelligence or budgetary reasons is not spoon fed to the viewer. Carnival is similar to the best of the Twilight Zone TV series, though predating those and lacking some the series inappropriate humor. Souls obviously inspired many future horror films (not the least of which being Romero's Dead films), but sitll could teach us all a thing or two about small town exuberance, working miracles withing your means and comes wrapped in brilliant outsider-industry charm
7 Empty Merry-Go-Rounds are Creepy, who knew? out of 10 (GOOD)
Reptilicus (1962)
Reptilicus - Review
"Appetite for destruction"
This Danish Monster flick is a bizarre hybrid of the post-Godzilla giant dino trashes a city genre mixed with a Denmark tourist bureau travelouge. Shot concurrently in Danish and English, the American release features flat overdubs, a re-edit and a cheesy attempt to add some terrible special effects after removing scenes deemed too terrible by API, a lipstick on a pig scenario if there ever was one (a snake-like inarticulate puppet on strings kind of pig). Inept in every way, yet it is a cult favorite in Denmark and the States. It's hard not to love/hate the long drawn out science, journeyman direction, amateurish acting-not-in-native-language stoicism, the excess of stock footage, the obvious propaganda of 1960s Copenhagen, the z-grade puppet work, and the eye-popping yokel Peterson whose musical number was thankfully slashed from the American release. However there are plenty of reasons to tune in, the roundabout plot and general foreignness lend a humorist and surrealist tone as Denmark's entire military and populous seems to have been mobilized for the finale. That bridge scene definitely took some guts on everyone's part and we won't see it's like again in First World filmmaking.
Make sure you watch out for Reptilicus' green acid spit, it's clumsy implementation stings the eyes of both film character and film viewer.
2 AKVARIUMS out of 10 (AWFUL)
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About Me
- Kevin Gasaway via HardDrawn
- Turlock, California, United States
- Media and Reviews by Kevin Gasaway