Rock N Roll Nightmare (1987)

Rock N Roll Nightmare (R)

"Sex, Dishes, more Sex, more Dishes & then Rock N Roll"

A rock group heads to the Canadian country side to work on a new album free of distraction (except from their own women), where unbeknownst to them Beelezbub and his minions are also looking to rock out with their souls in direct-to-video cheapie Rock N Roll Nightmare.

It's hard to come down on a silly flick like RNR Nightmare, an exuberantly Canadian horror flick with some talented special effects work that tries to do too much with too little, some mildly talented and territorially famous musicians without a lick of acting talent and a director who can point a lens at things but would probably be better off staying home and getting drunk.  It's all fueled by the cult of Thor, or actually Jon Mikl-Thor, a formed body builder aka Glam-rock star aka movie star aka human-meat loaf who couldn't act his way out of a brown paper bag.  It's hard to come down on something so effortlessly lame, there are unconscious shades of Spinal Tap throughout, but down we must go.  Between the endless stilted banter, the countless scenes of doing the dishes, the gratuitously bad love scenes which sometimes run back to back, the Canadian-tinged  accents, the cans of Coke instead of Cocaine, to the hopelessly awfully jaw dropping silly conclusion, all scored with bland aging arena rock, Rock N Roll Nightmare is more like a dream that you wake up from and wonder "must have been something I ate,"  chuckle to yourself and then effortlessly roll over and fall back asleep.

2 Funny Little One Eyed Puppets that steal the show out of 10 (BAD)

Street Trash (1987)

Street Trash (NR) - Review

"...stinks, of beauty!"

The lives of New York's 1980 era hobos comes into bizarre focus in this black comedy/horror flick from first time director and future legend of Steadicam operation Jame Muro.  The stellar camera is a huge benefit to a film so intent on slumming, with the majority of scenes taking place in a junkyard brimming with disgusting wino characters it somehow keeps it fun.  Don't think this is a movie you can predict scene by scene due to its shlockbuster image, the movie intelligently mashes together story threads with a deft eye on the unpredictable (though some of the fat could stand to be edited).  Scenes will fly by focused on the humor of hobo life, the hobo-king/vietnam vet with flashbacks, the violent cop with a job to do, the NY mafia with its image to protect, all somehow loosely tied to a crate of expired liqour called Viper that leaves you with an instantaneously killer hangover.  The moral envelope is pushed hard, taboos are broken with as much glee as the cameraman has in inventively flowing through the scenes ala Raimi's Dead trilogy.  Showcasing the exaggerated life on the street in an unexpected manner, Street Trash lives up to its name (and cult status) by glamorously living in the neon puss filled gutter that it joyfully pisses in.

7.5 Chickens in your Pants out of 10

Empire of the Sun (1987)

Empire of the Sun (PG) - Review

"Cadillac of the Skies!"

A spoiled young British lad, grown up in 1940s Shanghai, soon experiences the loss of affluence and innocence as the Japanese enter the city limits at the start of World War Two.

Jamie, the role nailed by a preteen Christian Bale (Batman Begins), must cope with the loss of his home and family, living on the mean streets with fellow waifs and mercenaries (one by John Malkovich at his slimiest).  They are soon all rounded up and sent to Japanese POW camps, where Jim is adopted by disparate families: the starving yet stiff-upper-lipped British are his mother while the wiley and stubborn American GIs are the father he idolizes.  Striving and scheming against their severe Jap captors, Jim must take the brunt of human compassion and treachery of wartime China.

Steven Spielberg's (Indiana Jones) best and most overlooked film, Empire of the Sun is a fantastic period piece, War record and historical work (based on the semi-autobiographical work by its author).  Combining his love of WW2 societies and technology (particularly fighter planes), Empire doesn't get bogged down in politics or finger pointing yet remains honest and true to the circumstances, all shown with an effortlessly gorgeous scope that sees the snotty angelic Jim transform to a world weary young man older than his years.  Empire is a complete picture of the world before, during and after the Second Great War, especially its effect on the young generation of all nationalities that lived through it.

10 Flashes in the Sky out of 10 (OUTSTANDING)

Miami Connection (1987)

Miami Connection (R) - Review

"D.A.R.E. to keep Ninjas off drugs"

A new drug cartel has set up shop in 1980s Miami, and their violence and depravity knows no bounds.  These ninjas on cocaine are about to rule the streets, and only the synthrock groove of local martial arts and musical group Dragon Sound can stop the madness!

Lost for over 20 years, Miami Connection has gained cult status thanks to a Drafthouse films rerelease in 2012.  The film was purchased on ebay for $50 and ran for a couple midnight showings, where its infectious violence, 1980s dance scene music, neon laden visuals and happy go lucky attitudes caught on like wildfire there and spread to the internet, saved from obscurity.

The movie is the brain child of martial artist Y.K. Kim, a self help guru and master of taekwondo and friend of Korean director Park Woo-sang.  Kim, a tireless self promoter, wanted a larger platform to philosophize and show off his talents.  Recruiting his students and shooting in authentic Florida locales, the film revolves around a group of orphans lead by Kim who perform martial arts and music together until they are confronted by a deadly army of motorcycle ninjas who are trying to smuggle cocaine into the country.  Entire sections of the movie are disjointed and surreal, there is an apparent reel of shakily performed taekwondo practice footage all done in slo motion that can only be included here to pad run time, show off real martial arts and setup situations for the big finale.  The synthdrum heavy soundtrack is catchy, which is good since Miami Connection teeters into music video territory with whole entire songs being performed on stage by the band ala Purple Rain.  The evil ninjas, joined by outlandishly characterized local ruffians, are miffed by Dragon Sound's snubbings (and the datings of their sisters) and begin an all out rumble in the jungle (or perhaps a tromp in the swamp is more appropriate), an emotional all out war expertly paced and choreographed by Park and Kim, delivering a satisfyingly brutal conclusion.

The orphans are the heroes and stars here and what with the atrociously amateur acting and insanely bizarre character subplots these good guys brazenly outshine some of Hollywood's recent attempts at making a "so bad its good, on purpose" film.  This is "so good its good, on purpose" on a shoestring budget (but still with fun gore effects and good action), with a group of guys who were obviously friends of a likeable and enigmatic (though barely intelligible) Korean-born but all American entrepreneur/Grand Master guru.  The result is pure joy, kids playing ninjas in a swamp and slashing each other with katanas, people jumping up and down on stage pretending they can play an instrument, people way over emoting on screen while the rock track blares and the neon burns.  This movie is everything that was right in the world of the 80s, made by a man who didn't know what he was doing but doing it so well, instilling in it a precocious love of martial arts and a philosophically positive attitude that everything will work out (especially if you reshoot the ending!).

Miami Connection is a retro80s sugar high whose only comedown happens when the movie ends and you notice no one is wearing legwarmers anymore.

8 Songs about Ninjas out of 10 (GREAT)