Star Wars: The Force Awakens (PG-13)
"I've got a bad feeling about this." - Every Han Solo
"The Force! Man, that's your answer to everything." - Clerks
"Millennium Falcon? More like Millennium Pandering." - Me.
Sitting in a darkened theater with a dawning internal awareness that you might be the only one twisting in your seat, uncomfortable with the low-risk plot, the awkward references and dismal acting. The popcorn is gone, the soda dull, and in your head rings the awful words "It's just an another modern remake, they spent all that time and effort just to remake it, and its a bad counterfeit Picasso, a copy, a fake" while everyone else claps and thanks god for George Lucas' non-involvement. The trailers were a bill of goods, sold by the aggressively pandering suits at Disney Corp., pap made by a director who's made a career of swerving from expectations, and it's as well made as it is creatively bankrupt, a soulless zombie in an expensive knock-off Armani shambling forever towards higher returns. At least those terrible prequels TRIED to do something new and failed spectacularly. Awakens just regurgitates what worked before with a wet, money hungry plop.
Meanwhile Awakens looks like it was wholly constructed in the edit suite, scenes come and go at a breakneck pace just so they happen and not in anyway conductive to the pacing. A scene will end abruptly, cross wipe to a completely different part of the universe, then back to the first without rhyme or reason except for story reasons the 2nd had to be put somewhere. It doesn't feel thought out or meticulously planned unlike real SWs, it feels cobbled together good enough, and considering the plot is just "girls and guys with force and cute droids and xwings and star destroyers and deathstars again" there very little excuse for it. And there are soooo many conveniences of illogic, the new crew just stumbling upon the abandoned Falcon being the most egregious and unnecessary, apparently the Force can and will do that kind of thing now.
So it's a remake, let's treat it as such. The scope and feel, the "Lawrence of Arabia in Space" tone of Star Wars is completely missing from Awakens. There are few calm, slow moments of world building here; even the obligatory scene-wipes seem somehow forced and overly fast; you don't inhabit this world only glimpse it. The only exposition we get is from the fanfictiony text crawl and one very stilted and strangely unemotional conversation between a craggled Han Solo and a stone faced General Leia Organa (who looks for all the world like they tightened her girdle so much she can't move let alone act). Between her strange head tilting and his half hearted swagger it more resembles the cringey "I love you" scene from CrystalSkull than the one from Empire Strikes Back, instead of a stroke of genius its an actual figurative cinematic stroke. It's all punctuated by that "it's mysterious because we are keeping you out of the loop" thing that is the oldest of JJ Abrams' tricks, and we need more answers than action. Why would the Republic be in this ramshackle state, never mind the mention in the opening or the reams of comics Disney has put out, the underdog yet again? This is a movie, explain it! And John Williams, where are you? The only time the music is noticed is when it was once again rehashing the themes from the first trilogy, there is no new piece that stands out and marches around the theater announcing it's greatness. Then there is all the fan service, the god damned fan service. Capt. Phasma is a marketing dream and fanboy joke. The "No look shot" is as bad as Greedo shooting first, and you want your new bad-ass Jedi girl, who can do all these things without training cuz you say so, to inherit the beloved fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy? Then earn it guys, because otherwise its just another lame fan wish-fulfillment without the politically incorrect metal bikini. Awakens suffers from the worst case of big budget sequelitis ever seen, literally Jump22's ethos of "People want you to do the same thing, Again. Just a bit bigger. Same lines, same jokes, same action, everything."
It's not all rehash. JJ does some new things with the camera (but why god, why keep does he keep using the lens flares, it must be an injoke?). There are some fun ideas, new uses of the Force that seem a bit questionable, but the reformed Stormtrooper story idea is the best of the bunch (but who's character is involved in countless bumbly spoken word comic relief just enough to ruin it). He doesn't say "Yeah that's what I'm talking about!" once, but they probably did do a take and it's laying on the cutting room floor after checking TVTropes for relevancy and deciding against running it. Yet some of the attempts of new stuff are as bad as any prequel, Solo's side business is simply just busy work, eating up screen time and adding nothing to the affair but bad jokes and a lot of CG monsters. There is just enough practical effects thrown in to kill the "curse of the prequels" stink list for the fans, but the rest is all remake-orama, and none of it improves on the original. The fighter pilots all look wrong, and besides main ace Poe (well played by Oscar Issac, star of Inside Llewyn Davis), the Resistance seems to be staffed by fanboys-and-girls pulled from the ranks of Deviantart who don't yet have drivers licenses let alone a pilot's one. The bad guy is no Vader, he is a twink with a temper tantrum, the Emperor has been replaced with a pale CGI creature who looks like should be spitting out "GOLLUM GOLLUM". The Nazi Youth has taken over the Empire from the elder British statesmen because... box office? Old Men no longer start Star Wars it seems. The Rebels don't meticulously plan how to blow up the DeathStar 3.0, or send a crack team of top commandos and their entire fleet and barely scrape out a victory. No, they stand around a readout of the plans point at a spot and say "we blow this up, right?" and then Han Solo winks and says "I got this, you don't wanna know how" because his plan is stupidly self sacrificing; instead of bringing the Army he just flies over to infiltrate the planet with 3 people (2 he just met) and of course saves the day, obviously! There is no sense of urgency, the big kill-weapon has to charge up for like a day, but the Rebellion is so confident in Han getting the shields down (AGAIN!) that they don't even bother EVACUATING the planet that will eventually be blown up, maybe, "waiting to be killed, waiting to be killed".
In the end big things get exploded good, people hug, and yet it still doesn't end. The final oddity, the mapquest montage, the overdone out of place LOTR spinning helicopter shot with a stupid nospeak Skywalker cliffhanger, cementing that SWTFA seems more inclined to be the New Harry Potter YA film franchise than a true new Star Wars film in a finite universe.
Star Wars, we meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.
4 Chubby C3P0's Unexplained Self-Referential Red Arms out of 10 (BAD)
PS - Kids will never understand the sweet tension build and release of the 20th Century Fox fanfare, LucasFilm Logo, and sudden burst of StarField and music on the silver screen. Sad.
PPS - Alternative Title: SW - An Old Hype
Showing posts with label UnpopularOpinion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label UnpopularOpinion. Show all posts
Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)
Star Trek Into Darkness (PG-13)
Kirk and company, who now are adventuring (ripping off) their own adventures, find themselves face to face with a familiar old foe: Bad Screenwriting in JJ Abrams sophomoric sequel to the reboot of a classic franchise.
All the stars return to their roles, and the new bad guy is the new-hot-thing Benedict Cumberbatch filling the role once played by Ricardo Montebon, the genetically superior and evil Khan. Now, this isn't Khan any more than Quinto is Spock, but the unfortunate casting can easily be misconstrued as whitewashing if it wasn't for Cho (a Korean) who is still playing Sulu (who is Japanese). No, it's just Hollywood filling roles with the "most famous one we can get," and even though Pine is actually a great choice for Kirk he still suffers from the Boy Band quality of the cast. Benedict himself was lauded for his performance, which is baffling considering the mans strangely flared nostrils and glossy emo hair. But the casting really isn't what is wrong with Star Trek Into Darkness.
It's that it isn't Star Trek. The post 9-11, drone-scared fearmongering warlords are strong with this one. If someone had shown me clips and told me it was a film of the video game Halo it would have been believable. What isn't believable is the exploitation of the best Trek film, ST2: Wrath of Khan, to fuel this mishmash of a hot garbage bonfire. It's all twisted beyond reproach to entertain an audience who apparently doesn't know that adding some lens flares, parkour and pew pew lasers doesn't make a franchise better. And the old switcheroo that happens at the end, with its prolonged prerequisite internet famous"KHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAN" yell that almost rivals Darth Vaders "NOOOOOOOOOOoooo" in laugh generation, is all null and void thanks to the amazing miracle jelly that was injected into Shatner's toupee a reel back for some damn reason, damnit Jim I'm a Doctor not a Script-Doctor! Having reasonably enjoyed the first installment despite it's glaring flaws did not give permission to go hog wild with the canon JJ (despite what the suits and yes men and George Lucas' neck's told you).
These are the people in charge of SciFi films for decades to come, making these descisions, making more sequels and starting new franchises (and dabbling in other venerated ones). Spock's Brain wept.
2 Spock Punching a Guy?! Where's the Vulcan Nerve Pinch, DUH!?!? out of 10 (AWFUL)
Kirk and company, who now are adventuring (ripping off) their own adventures, find themselves face to face with a familiar old foe: Bad Screenwriting in JJ Abrams sophomoric sequel to the reboot of a classic franchise.
All the stars return to their roles, and the new bad guy is the new-hot-thing Benedict Cumberbatch filling the role once played by Ricardo Montebon, the genetically superior and evil Khan. Now, this isn't Khan any more than Quinto is Spock, but the unfortunate casting can easily be misconstrued as whitewashing if it wasn't for Cho (a Korean) who is still playing Sulu (who is Japanese). No, it's just Hollywood filling roles with the "most famous one we can get," and even though Pine is actually a great choice for Kirk he still suffers from the Boy Band quality of the cast. Benedict himself was lauded for his performance, which is baffling considering the mans strangely flared nostrils and glossy emo hair. But the casting really isn't what is wrong with Star Trek Into Darkness.
It's that it isn't Star Trek. The post 9-11, drone-scared fearmongering warlords are strong with this one. If someone had shown me clips and told me it was a film of the video game Halo it would have been believable. What isn't believable is the exploitation of the best Trek film, ST2: Wrath of Khan, to fuel this mishmash of a hot garbage bonfire. It's all twisted beyond reproach to entertain an audience who apparently doesn't know that adding some lens flares, parkour and pew pew lasers doesn't make a franchise better. And the old switcheroo that happens at the end, with its prolonged prerequisite internet famous"KHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAN" yell that almost rivals Darth Vaders "NOOOOOOOOOOoooo" in laugh generation, is all null and void thanks to the amazing miracle jelly that was injected into Shatner's toupee a reel back for some damn reason, damnit Jim I'm a Doctor not a Script-Doctor! Having reasonably enjoyed the first installment despite it's glaring flaws did not give permission to go hog wild with the canon JJ (despite what the suits and yes men and George Lucas' neck's told you).
These are the people in charge of SciFi films for decades to come, making these descisions, making more sequels and starting new franchises (and dabbling in other venerated ones). Spock's Brain wept.
2 Spock Punching a Guy?! Where's the Vulcan Nerve Pinch, DUH!?!? out of 10 (AWFUL)
The Conjuring (2013)
The Conjuring (R)
"Paging Captain Howdy"
Sad catch-all Horror film (highest grossing all time by the way) that wants so badly to be the next Exorcist/Poltergiest/Amytiville Horror that it steals wholesale from them and brings in the kids too young to know better by the droves. Best when the effects stay practical, the Conjuring conjures nothing but familiarity (the story is so predictable that you'll be anticipating a swerve that doesn't happen, the only curve ball is nothing gets CONJURED), has an evil doll that contributes nothing but a spinoff prequel/sequels, and agnosticaly approves of the Salem Witch trials! The scares are effective but since they are skin grafts from better movies (the turn off the lights and listen trick, the look behind you NOW ITS IN FRONT trick, the oh aren't old dolls creepy trick, etc), Conjuring does a disservice to the Horror genre by regurgitating effective scenes like Linda Blair on a ipeccac diet instead of coming up with it's own unique moments. Invention in the face of critical antagonism is what elevated the horror movie from it's low 1980s VHS slasher status to it's pop-culture accepted one, yet The Conjuring may have you wishing for the bad old days of dusty Hollywood Video shelves filled with direct to video cheapies that might not have a budget but at least ONE original idea.
4 James Wan's Conjuring even steals from James Wan's Insidious out of 10 (BAD)
"Paging Captain Howdy"
Sad catch-all Horror film (highest grossing all time by the way) that wants so badly to be the next Exorcist/Poltergiest/Amytiville Horror that it steals wholesale from them and brings in the kids too young to know better by the droves. Best when the effects stay practical, the Conjuring conjures nothing but familiarity (the story is so predictable that you'll be anticipating a swerve that doesn't happen, the only curve ball is nothing gets CONJURED), has an evil doll that contributes nothing but a spinoff prequel/sequels, and agnosticaly approves of the Salem Witch trials! The scares are effective but since they are skin grafts from better movies (the turn off the lights and listen trick, the look behind you NOW ITS IN FRONT trick, the oh aren't old dolls creepy trick, etc), Conjuring does a disservice to the Horror genre by regurgitating effective scenes like Linda Blair on a ipeccac diet instead of coming up with it's own unique moments. Invention in the face of critical antagonism is what elevated the horror movie from it's low 1980s VHS slasher status to it's pop-culture accepted one, yet The Conjuring may have you wishing for the bad old days of dusty Hollywood Video shelves filled with direct to video cheapies that might not have a budget but at least ONE original idea.
4 James Wan's Conjuring even steals from James Wan's Insidious out of 10 (BAD)
Cloud Atlas (2012)
Cloud Atlas (R)
"Like Something I Heard In A Dream"
The Wachowski siblings return to the silver screen with another sci-fi mashup, this time starring Tom Hanks and Haley Berry in a sprawling nearly 3 hour yarn that is in fact 6 stories taking place in 6 v astly different time periods, from the 1840’s through now to the far flung future and then beyond. Each story shares the same actor pool just as it shares certain common elements… the titular Cloud Atlas sextet, a shiny decorative button, a book or a feeling between actors. The races, the names the motivations for all characters in all time periods are non-static and are quietly understated (which may lead to some confusion in the beginning but once the story coalesces it is worth the brainpower). One of the stories is broadly comical, ironically with Jim Broadbent as an accident prone editor in financial hot water who must weasel his way out from the danger. Surprisingly this bit of comic relief is much needed and a welcome surprise due to much of the overdramatic angst that drives the other five narratives. The Wachowski’s don’t have “sole” directing credit, they are joined by Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run). They all produce the different story paths seamlessly and it looks like a much bigger film than its budget belies ($140M). However, its beauty isn’t completely unmarked, after all you can’t make an omlete without something being broken. The 70s Nuclear power mystery is a big bore (most likely due to Berry’s inability to carry a film). The choice of Hugo Weaving’s permanent scowl to appear in another Wachoski is far too easy, especially when he plays almost every antagonist in every timeline. His makeup is especially atrocious, which leads me to the strangest/strongest criticism. While I agree with the creators that it is completely within the motif of Cloud Atlas to have human lives intertwining & to have actors portray the other races (Halle and Bae in white face, Hanks as a olive skinned limey, Hugo with Asian eye prosthetics, Hugh Grant in shoddy old man makeup), I also agree that some of their choices were ill conceived and uncomfortable socially. Doona Bae plays a subclass human slave conscripted to work in a fast-food chain in a Korea a hundred plus years from now. She is rescued and captured and rescued and captured all by whites with silly looking eye makeup that make them look no more Asian than an alligator. Absurdly Bae's eyes resembles the fake ones not in the least. Alarmingly the make up looks dangerously close to a racist caricature from a Charlie Chan serial from the 30s. For such a large part of the film taking place in Asia to have only one major Asian in these roles is just appalling. Creative casting or perhaps inventive storytelling would have done wonders to avoid the scandal and the filmmakers obviously had that creative ability, a black mark for sure. This is unfortunate because there is so much to really enjoy here. It is truly a sprawling epic, watching Hanks move from role to role and chew the scenery is fun (especially the jive talking, nerve addled, PostApocalyptic, Evil Tophat Jiminy Cricket listening to Hanks), Broadbent’s catastrophic misadventures spice up the slow parts, the superb editing and crosscutting between these massive and disparate pieces of cinema must have been daunting and it was a delight to see it so well done. It is not action packed, it is not at a snails pace, the stories synchronize at just the right moments then detangle, so then a confused and vocal minority have asked “why does this exist, no overarching truth of good vs evil, no Aesop’s tale waiting between the lines, no sappy tagline that shouts LOVE CONQUERS ALL.” If you were to ask me, I’d say this is a movie about how we destroy ourselves and how we make ourselves better, about trying to be human in an inhuman society, the lower class learning to overthrow the power of its overlords or risk its own destruction, about human industry and greed corrupting its own morality, the damnation of the status quo, about evolution being king. It is Darwinism applied not to just the physical realm but to the spiritual. Or as the movie puts it: “The weak are meat, and the strong do eat”. Amen. Or its just a grand story, people write those too you know.
7 Epicanthic folds out of 10 (GOOD)
"Like Something I Heard In A Dream"
The Wachowski siblings return to the silver screen with another sci-fi mashup, this time starring Tom Hanks and Haley Berry in a sprawling nearly 3 hour yarn that is in fact 6 stories taking place in 6 v astly different time periods, from the 1840’s through now to the far flung future and then beyond. Each story shares the same actor pool just as it shares certain common elements… the titular Cloud Atlas sextet, a shiny decorative button, a book or a feeling between actors. The races, the names the motivations for all characters in all time periods are non-static and are quietly understated (which may lead to some confusion in the beginning but once the story coalesces it is worth the brainpower). One of the stories is broadly comical, ironically with Jim Broadbent as an accident prone editor in financial hot water who must weasel his way out from the danger. Surprisingly this bit of comic relief is much needed and a welcome surprise due to much of the overdramatic angst that drives the other five narratives. The Wachowski’s don’t have “sole” directing credit, they are joined by Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run). They all produce the different story paths seamlessly and it looks like a much bigger film than its budget belies ($140M). However, its beauty isn’t completely unmarked, after all you can’t make an omlete without something being broken. The 70s Nuclear power mystery is a big bore (most likely due to Berry’s inability to carry a film). The choice of Hugo Weaving’s permanent scowl to appear in another Wachoski is far too easy, especially when he plays almost every antagonist in every timeline. His makeup is especially atrocious, which leads me to the strangest/strongest criticism. While I agree with the creators that it is completely within the motif of Cloud Atlas to have human lives intertwining & to have actors portray the other races (Halle and Bae in white face, Hanks as a olive skinned limey, Hugo with Asian eye prosthetics, Hugh Grant in shoddy old man makeup), I also agree that some of their choices were ill conceived and uncomfortable socially. Doona Bae plays a subclass human slave conscripted to work in a fast-food chain in a Korea a hundred plus years from now. She is rescued and captured and rescued and captured all by whites with silly looking eye makeup that make them look no more Asian than an alligator. Absurdly Bae's eyes resembles the fake ones not in the least. Alarmingly the make up looks dangerously close to a racist caricature from a Charlie Chan serial from the 30s. For such a large part of the film taking place in Asia to have only one major Asian in these roles is just appalling. Creative casting or perhaps inventive storytelling would have done wonders to avoid the scandal and the filmmakers obviously had that creative ability, a black mark for sure. This is unfortunate because there is so much to really enjoy here. It is truly a sprawling epic, watching Hanks move from role to role and chew the scenery is fun (especially the jive talking, nerve addled, PostApocalyptic, Evil Tophat Jiminy Cricket listening to Hanks), Broadbent’s catastrophic misadventures spice up the slow parts, the superb editing and crosscutting between these massive and disparate pieces of cinema must have been daunting and it was a delight to see it so well done. It is not action packed, it is not at a snails pace, the stories synchronize at just the right moments then detangle, so then a confused and vocal minority have asked “why does this exist, no overarching truth of good vs evil, no Aesop’s tale waiting between the lines, no sappy tagline that shouts LOVE CONQUERS ALL.” If you were to ask me, I’d say this is a movie about how we destroy ourselves and how we make ourselves better, about trying to be human in an inhuman society, the lower class learning to overthrow the power of its overlords or risk its own destruction, about human industry and greed corrupting its own morality, the damnation of the status quo, about evolution being king. It is Darwinism applied not to just the physical realm but to the spiritual. Or as the movie puts it: “The weak are meat, and the strong do eat”. Amen. Or its just a grand story, people write those too you know.
7 Epicanthic folds out of 10 (GOOD)
The Prestige (2006)
The Prestige (2006) - PG-13 Review
"Pay no attention to that director behind the curtain..."
If there is one director who excels at telegraphing a films intentions, of obfuscating terrible plot holes through expensive visuals, and produce more dubious morality eyerolls per minute and still have the general public lap it up and ask for more then you have to look no further than Christopher Nolan (Memento). This Prestige is literally someone ruining the mystery of magic (both on screen and off) by over explaining every little detail and still expecting the ending to be some sort of surprise (guess what, it isn't). In typical Nolan style the movie looks great, every frame a 1900's fashion magazine. Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale try to outdo each other through a number of years as dueling magicians locking horns over the greater trick, thereby reducing the romanticism of turn of the century showmanship into a petty squabble of wits which is over long and under thought out.
The magic of prestidigitation is the same as film itself, a suspension of belief and a living in the moment. If you ruin the trick then you can never get it back, and The Prestige is a film designed to do just that. And just when its time to reveal the last hidden secret (that you've by now guessed over an hour ago) the conclusion is sprung, the curtain is pulled back and we just what dark forces are pulling the strings here: Deus Ex Machina in all its terrible trappings. Aptly Nolan's box office achievements must be held up as a testament to his own great skills at misdirection.
3 Top Hats out of 10 (BAD)
"Pay no attention to that director behind the curtain..."
If there is one director who excels at telegraphing a films intentions, of obfuscating terrible plot holes through expensive visuals, and produce more dubious morality eyerolls per minute and still have the general public lap it up and ask for more then you have to look no further than Christopher Nolan (Memento). This Prestige is literally someone ruining the mystery of magic (both on screen and off) by over explaining every little detail and still expecting the ending to be some sort of surprise (guess what, it isn't). In typical Nolan style the movie looks great, every frame a 1900's fashion magazine. Hugh Jackman and Christian Bale try to outdo each other through a number of years as dueling magicians locking horns over the greater trick, thereby reducing the romanticism of turn of the century showmanship into a petty squabble of wits which is over long and under thought out.
The magic of prestidigitation is the same as film itself, a suspension of belief and a living in the moment. If you ruin the trick then you can never get it back, and The Prestige is a film designed to do just that. And just when its time to reveal the last hidden secret (that you've by now guessed over an hour ago) the conclusion is sprung, the curtain is pulled back and we just what dark forces are pulling the strings here: Deus Ex Machina in all its terrible trappings. Aptly Nolan's box office achievements must be held up as a testament to his own great skills at misdirection.
3 Top Hats out of 10 (BAD)
Gone With The Wind (1939)
Gone With The Wind (G) - Review
"I don't give a damn."
A vapidly spoiled plantation owner's daughter loses her fortune in the Civil war and turns to equally vapid womanizer male lead to pay for her troubles. They deserve each other and I deserve better than this hoopskirt melodrama. It's running time, it's historical value and it's box office returns all need to be held up to criticism, but some things you just can't fight. Clark Gable is exceptionally oilly I'll give him that, Leigh is apparently appropriately whiny and unsympathetic, the film itself isn't critical enough of the South or it's actions for my tastes. Call it Soap Opera for the oldest crowd, but frankly I don't give a damn.
4 Jilted Lovers out of 10
"I don't give a damn."
A vapidly spoiled plantation owner's daughter loses her fortune in the Civil war and turns to equally vapid womanizer male lead to pay for her troubles. They deserve each other and I deserve better than this hoopskirt melodrama. It's running time, it's historical value and it's box office returns all need to be held up to criticism, but some things you just can't fight. Clark Gable is exceptionally oilly I'll give him that, Leigh is apparently appropriately whiny and unsympathetic, the film itself isn't critical enough of the South or it's actions for my tastes. Call it Soap Opera for the oldest crowd, but frankly I don't give a damn.
4 Jilted Lovers out of 10
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About Me
- Kevin Gasaway via HardDrawn
- Turlock, California, United States
- Media and Reviews by Kevin Gasaway