Star Wars: The Force Awakens (PG-13)
"I've got a bad feeling about this." - Every Han Solo
"The Force! Man, that's your answer to everything." - Clerks
"Millennium Falcon? More like Millennium Pandering." - Me.
Sitting in a darkened theater with a dawning internal awareness that you might be the only one twisting in your seat, uncomfortable with the low-risk plot, the awkward references and dismal acting. The popcorn is gone, the soda dull, and in your head rings the awful words "It's just an another modern remake, they spent all that time and effort just to remake it, and its a bad counterfeit Picasso, a copy, a fake" while everyone else claps and thanks god for George Lucas' non-involvement. The trailers were a bill of goods, sold by the aggressively pandering suits at Disney Corp., pap made by a director who's made a career of swerving from expectations, and it's as well made as it is creatively bankrupt, a soulless zombie in an expensive knock-off Armani shambling forever towards higher returns. At least those terrible prequels TRIED to do something new and failed spectacularly. Awakens just regurgitates what worked before with a wet, money hungry plop.
Meanwhile Awakens looks like it was wholly constructed in the edit suite, scenes come and go at a breakneck pace just so they happen and not in anyway conductive to the pacing. A scene will end abruptly, cross wipe to a completely different part of the universe, then back to the first without rhyme or reason except for story reasons the 2nd had to be put somewhere. It doesn't feel thought out or meticulously planned unlike real SWs, it feels cobbled together good enough, and considering the plot is just "girls and guys with force and cute droids and xwings and star destroyers and deathstars again" there very little excuse for it. And there are soooo many conveniences of illogic, the new crew just stumbling upon the abandoned Falcon being the most egregious and unnecessary, apparently the Force can and will do that kind of thing now.
So it's a remake, let's treat it as such. The scope and feel, the "Lawrence of Arabia in Space" tone of Star Wars is completely missing from Awakens. There are few calm, slow moments of world building here; even the obligatory scene-wipes seem somehow forced and overly fast; you don't inhabit this world only glimpse it. The only exposition we get is from the fanfictiony text crawl and one very stilted and strangely unemotional conversation between a craggled Han Solo and a stone faced General Leia Organa (who looks for all the world like they tightened her girdle so much she can't move let alone act). Between her strange head tilting and his half hearted swagger it more resembles the cringey "I love you" scene from CrystalSkull than the one from Empire Strikes Back, instead of a stroke of genius its an actual figurative cinematic stroke. It's all punctuated by that "it's mysterious because we are keeping you out of the loop" thing that is the oldest of JJ Abrams' tricks, and we need more answers than action. Why would the Republic be in this ramshackle state, never mind the mention in the opening or the reams of comics Disney has put out, the underdog yet again? This is a movie, explain it! And John Williams, where are you? The only time the music is noticed is when it was once again rehashing the themes from the first trilogy, there is no new piece that stands out and marches around the theater announcing it's greatness. Then there is all the fan service, the god damned fan service. Capt. Phasma is a marketing dream and fanboy joke. The "No look shot" is as bad as Greedo shooting first, and you want your new bad-ass Jedi girl, who can do all these things without training cuz you say so, to inherit the beloved fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy? Then earn it guys, because otherwise its just another lame fan wish-fulfillment without the politically incorrect metal bikini. Awakens suffers from the worst case of big budget sequelitis ever seen, literally Jump22's ethos of "People want you to do the same thing, Again. Just a bit bigger. Same lines, same jokes, same action, everything."
It's not all rehash. JJ does some new things with the camera (but why god, why keep does he keep using the lens flares, it must be an injoke?). There are some fun ideas, new uses of the Force that seem a bit questionable, but the reformed Stormtrooper story idea is the best of the bunch (but who's character is involved in countless bumbly spoken word comic relief just enough to ruin it). He doesn't say "Yeah that's what I'm talking about!" once, but they probably did do a take and it's laying on the cutting room floor after checking TVTropes for relevancy and deciding against running it. Yet some of the attempts of new stuff are as bad as any prequel, Solo's side business is simply just busy work, eating up screen time and adding nothing to the affair but bad jokes and a lot of CG monsters. There is just enough practical effects thrown in to kill the "curse of the prequels" stink list for the fans, but the rest is all remake-orama, and none of it improves on the original. The fighter pilots all look wrong, and besides main ace Poe (well played by Oscar Issac, star of Inside Llewyn Davis), the Resistance seems to be staffed by fanboys-and-girls pulled from the ranks of Deviantart who don't yet have drivers licenses let alone a pilot's one. The bad guy is no Vader, he is a twink with a temper tantrum, the Emperor has been replaced with a pale CGI creature who looks like should be spitting out "GOLLUM GOLLUM". The Nazi Youth has taken over the Empire from the elder British statesmen because... box office? Old Men no longer start Star Wars it seems. The Rebels don't meticulously plan how to blow up the DeathStar 3.0, or send a crack team of top commandos and their entire fleet and barely scrape out a victory. No, they stand around a readout of the plans point at a spot and say "we blow this up, right?" and then Han Solo winks and says "I got this, you don't wanna know how" because his plan is stupidly self sacrificing; instead of bringing the Army he just flies over to infiltrate the planet with 3 people (2 he just met) and of course saves the day, obviously! There is no sense of urgency, the big kill-weapon has to charge up for like a day, but the Rebellion is so confident in Han getting the shields down (AGAIN!) that they don't even bother EVACUATING the planet that will eventually be blown up, maybe, "waiting to be killed, waiting to be killed".
In the end big things get exploded good, people hug, and yet it still doesn't end. The final oddity, the mapquest montage, the overdone out of place LOTR spinning helicopter shot with a stupid nospeak Skywalker cliffhanger, cementing that SWTFA seems more inclined to be the New Harry Potter YA film franchise than a true new Star Wars film in a finite universe.
Star Wars, we meet again, at last. The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner; now I am the master.
4 Chubby C3P0's Unexplained Self-Referential Red Arms out of 10 (BAD)
PS - Kids will never understand the sweet tension build and release of the 20th Century Fox fanfare, LucasFilm Logo, and sudden burst of StarField and music on the silver screen. Sad.
PPS - Alternative Title: SW - An Old Hype
Showing posts with label Sequelitis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sequelitis. Show all posts
Sin City: A Dame To Kill For (2014)
Sin City: A Dame To Kill For (R) Review
"Not a Film to Kill For"
Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk Till Dawn) and Frank Miller (Sin City) hit the bricks once again in a return to the gritty monotone ultraviolent world of sin and sex. Unfortunately no one seems really up for another round.
So what can we blame this misfire on? Almost ten years have passed since the original's translation onto the screen, and it must be admitted that most of the choicest comic material was put into that version. A Dame To Kill For is sadly not anywhere near the best Sin City story, and neither are the ones Frank wrote anew for the screenplay. The untapped potential is a bloody strike against. The Hollywood type "prequel"/"sequel" is confusing timeline-wise (not to mention full of plot holes if you try to line it up with the previous incarnation). The ghost of Hartigan (Bruce Willis, in a boring cameo) is present just because it increases star power and a sequel demands a return of the first's stars (supposedly). Marv, as played by Mickey Rourke, was the enigmatic star of the first movie, and so gets shoehorned into every place possible frame here which hurts the overall story. There is no equivalent of the excellent Yellow Bastard to give us a breather from his bizarre man-tics. He's always popping up to ask "how you doin babe," or "hey kid" to the other new or recurring characters as if to say yes, I approve of this addition. But does the audience? These new kids (Eva Green baring all, Josh Brolin showing off his orbital sockets, Joseph Gordon Levitt as a cocky gambler) do well but unfortunately it's the ones behind the production that just don't seem to have the spark. Miller's inks and Rodriguez's camera (with some help from Tarantino) brought the manic fury and razor-sharp Noir of the original to the screen almost a decade ago, and just don't seem to have the drive to fully return. There's a lot of machismo posturing but not much conviction. The visuals aren't as unique, the brand isn't as obscure, the story isn't as diverse or convincing, and with some of the best stories left behind for iffy new material or perhaps to fuel a future sequel that probably won't ever happen, it's a damn sin (even with it's harder "R" rating).
3 Who Shrunk Marv's Nose out of 10 (BAD)
"Not a Film to Kill For"
Robert Rodriguez (From Dusk Till Dawn) and Frank Miller (Sin City) hit the bricks once again in a return to the gritty monotone ultraviolent world of sin and sex. Unfortunately no one seems really up for another round.
So what can we blame this misfire on? Almost ten years have passed since the original's translation onto the screen, and it must be admitted that most of the choicest comic material was put into that version. A Dame To Kill For is sadly not anywhere near the best Sin City story, and neither are the ones Frank wrote anew for the screenplay. The untapped potential is a bloody strike against. The Hollywood type "prequel"/"sequel" is confusing timeline-wise (not to mention full of plot holes if you try to line it up with the previous incarnation). The ghost of Hartigan (Bruce Willis, in a boring cameo) is present just because it increases star power and a sequel demands a return of the first's stars (supposedly). Marv, as played by Mickey Rourke, was the enigmatic star of the first movie, and so gets shoehorned into every place possible frame here which hurts the overall story. There is no equivalent of the excellent Yellow Bastard to give us a breather from his bizarre man-tics. He's always popping up to ask "how you doin babe," or "hey kid" to the other new or recurring characters as if to say yes, I approve of this addition. But does the audience? These new kids (Eva Green baring all, Josh Brolin showing off his orbital sockets, Joseph Gordon Levitt as a cocky gambler) do well but unfortunately it's the ones behind the production that just don't seem to have the spark. Miller's inks and Rodriguez's camera (with some help from Tarantino) brought the manic fury and razor-sharp Noir of the original to the screen almost a decade ago, and just don't seem to have the drive to fully return. There's a lot of machismo posturing but not much conviction. The visuals aren't as unique, the brand isn't as obscure, the story isn't as diverse or convincing, and with some of the best stories left behind for iffy new material or perhaps to fuel a future sequel that probably won't ever happen, it's a damn sin (even with it's harder "R" rating).
3 Who Shrunk Marv's Nose out of 10 (BAD)
22 Jump Street (2014)
22 Jump Street (R) - Review
"If your friends jumped from a bridge...?"
The unlikely duo of Shmidt and Jenko are back and doing the same thing all over again in this improvisational sequel to the surprise 2012 hit. Jonah Hill (Wolf of Wall Street) and Channing Tatum (Side Effects) team up under perpetual grump Ice Cube to once again fight drugs, except now in college. Spoofing the cliches and overdone plot points of movie sequels themselves (returning supporting characters, expanded budgets, reworked plots), 22J is a self-referential snark that will make you laugh out loud. Yet some of the liquid gold has leaked from this franchise's Red Solo cup, draining it down to a just above average adult beverage from the overflowing bounty of the original.
"Same thing, again" apparently didn't make its way to the script department, for where the first film eschewed traditional remakes by lampooning characters/plots with outrageous improv comedy and smart twists on High School clique conventions, 22 toes the line of "college movie" tropes, drunk Frat boy jocks and wimpy Art School intellectuals that are standard issue college flick trope since the 1980s. Jenko and Shmidt suffer the 1st sequel blues (on purpose and as predicted right from the start by scruff-machismo-meister Nick Offerman), and the action feels a bit lacking despite the onscreen winks to doubled budgets. Even the original cast member cameo is reduced to a while-credits-roll one liner, and there are a stunning number of laughs locked into that credit sequence, where Hollywood franchises are met with scorn as future inevitable titles are screamed past the audience (23, 33,34,44, etc). Perhaps the pathos of their bromance breakup goes on too long, perhaps the action never lives up to the promised sequelitis of "same but bigger", perhaps the Spring Break sequence should have been expanded into more of a third act focus on skewering Hollywoodized college life instead of just a limited set piece. Jokes like "Art Degree? You won't make much money with that" and a slew of tired Old Jokes (mostly performed by actors who also aren't College age) show off the semi-lazy writing here. This is in stark contrast to the cool freshness of 21, but the charm and fun of Channing and Hill elevate the somewhat average semester, and if you laugh hard enough you'll still be able to get a nice buzz from the contact high.
6.5 Trash Compactors of Sadness out of 10 (GOOD)
"If your friends jumped from a bridge...?"
The unlikely duo of Shmidt and Jenko are back and doing the same thing all over again in this improvisational sequel to the surprise 2012 hit. Jonah Hill (Wolf of Wall Street) and Channing Tatum (Side Effects) team up under perpetual grump Ice Cube to once again fight drugs, except now in college. Spoofing the cliches and overdone plot points of movie sequels themselves (returning supporting characters, expanded budgets, reworked plots), 22J is a self-referential snark that will make you laugh out loud. Yet some of the liquid gold has leaked from this franchise's Red Solo cup, draining it down to a just above average adult beverage from the overflowing bounty of the original.
"Same thing, again" apparently didn't make its way to the script department, for where the first film eschewed traditional remakes by lampooning characters/plots with outrageous improv comedy and smart twists on High School clique conventions, 22 toes the line of "college movie" tropes, drunk Frat boy jocks and wimpy Art School intellectuals that are standard issue college flick trope since the 1980s. Jenko and Shmidt suffer the 1st sequel blues (on purpose and as predicted right from the start by scruff-machismo-meister Nick Offerman), and the action feels a bit lacking despite the onscreen winks to doubled budgets. Even the original cast member cameo is reduced to a while-credits-roll one liner, and there are a stunning number of laughs locked into that credit sequence, where Hollywood franchises are met with scorn as future inevitable titles are screamed past the audience (23, 33,34,44, etc). Perhaps the pathos of their bromance breakup goes on too long, perhaps the action never lives up to the promised sequelitis of "same but bigger", perhaps the Spring Break sequence should have been expanded into more of a third act focus on skewering Hollywoodized college life instead of just a limited set piece. Jokes like "Art Degree? You won't make much money with that" and a slew of tired Old Jokes (mostly performed by actors who also aren't College age) show off the semi-lazy writing here. This is in stark contrast to the cool freshness of 21, but the charm and fun of Channing and Hill elevate the somewhat average semester, and if you laugh hard enough you'll still be able to get a nice buzz from the contact high.
6.5 Trash Compactors of Sadness out of 10 (GOOD)
Dumb & Dumber To (2014)
Dumb & Dumber To (R)
The Farrelly brothers' Harry and Lloyd return with another dumb adventure set on the road to a tech conference in search of a replacement kidney from a long-lost daughter. Laughs are fewer and farther between, as the leads (Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels) now classic characters have lost their characterizations in favor of just acting like 10 year olds. The troubled production can only be compared to the original, and yes it is dumber than the first, but the aging cast and the creaking dialog can't outrun the few puns (and nutshots) that hit home, not to mention the sequelitis of the plot (hit men, bird boys and *yawn* road trip). You'll soon zip by the prerequisite nods to the original and find some genuine chuckles here, but the fresh/manic energy of the original (wheres the improv?) has not lasted these 20 years and has instead dried up like yesterday's diapers.
5 Appropriate Usage of the Mutt Cut Mobile out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
The Farrelly brothers' Harry and Lloyd return with another dumb adventure set on the road to a tech conference in search of a replacement kidney from a long-lost daughter. Laughs are fewer and farther between, as the leads (Jim Carey and Jeff Daniels) now classic characters have lost their characterizations in favor of just acting like 10 year olds. The troubled production can only be compared to the original, and yes it is dumber than the first, but the aging cast and the creaking dialog can't outrun the few puns (and nutshots) that hit home, not to mention the sequelitis of the plot (hit men, bird boys and *yawn* road trip). You'll soon zip by the prerequisite nods to the original and find some genuine chuckles here, but the fresh/manic energy of the original (wheres the improv?) has not lasted these 20 years and has instead dried up like yesterday's diapers.
5 Appropriate Usage of the Mutt Cut Mobile out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
How To Train Your Dragon 2 (2014)
How To Train Your Dragon 2 (PG)
"Toothless Times Two"
Hiccup and his scaly friends return in Dreamwork's sequel to one of it's most successful films to date (both artistically and financially), but stumbles away from what was new and inventive in the first and falls prey to heavy sequelitis in HTTYD2.
First off, the art has been improved ever so much, so that the small annoying flaws from the first are now gone and so rendering the film gorgeous to behold. The entire voice cast returns, but the entire film has a sense of arrested development. Now that Hiccup has converted his village into a Pro-Dragon land (gee that was easy, but technology often makes such leaps), he is out to convert the world. This return to innocence leads to Hiccups naivety being exploited by the wrong people, a warlord out to enslave all of Dragon-kind for his purposes.
The movie also tries to tie this into the unspoken fate of Hiccup's mother, and here is where the heart goes missing. The mother's disappearance and reappearance does not ring emotionally close to true, even with the great (if overused) Cate Blanchett pouring eccentricity into the role. The Warlord Drago is as one-dimensional as villains come, his lines are growled and shouted and he has absolutely no story beyond "He is evil because that's the way he is". The stupid choices and arrogance displayed by our heroes frustrates, its like the first film never happened and no one learned. And much like other sequels DW has done, anything that worked in the first will work even better in the first! So bit characters that were kind of amusing are front and center now and do too much. Instead of inventing new and interesting characters and scenarios the movie leans on what came before.
As pretty as it is, the movie's tedious retread is in defiance of the first's inventiveness. A more tried and true sequel would have been difficult, but this film reeks of brand control, concession sales and without the care of good story telling and true emotion that so marked the first. Sure the dragons are cute and everyone is 5 years older (and the kids are still not Scottish or lost their now-annoying teenage mannerisms), but when compared to the first HTTYD2 loses more than it's foot this time, and apparently lost due to shooting itself there.
5 Where's The Viking Helmet Bra Continuity out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
"Toothless Times Two"
Hiccup and his scaly friends return in Dreamwork's sequel to one of it's most successful films to date (both artistically and financially), but stumbles away from what was new and inventive in the first and falls prey to heavy sequelitis in HTTYD2.
First off, the art has been improved ever so much, so that the small annoying flaws from the first are now gone and so rendering the film gorgeous to behold. The entire voice cast returns, but the entire film has a sense of arrested development. Now that Hiccup has converted his village into a Pro-Dragon land (gee that was easy, but technology often makes such leaps), he is out to convert the world. This return to innocence leads to Hiccups naivety being exploited by the wrong people, a warlord out to enslave all of Dragon-kind for his purposes.
The movie also tries to tie this into the unspoken fate of Hiccup's mother, and here is where the heart goes missing. The mother's disappearance and reappearance does not ring emotionally close to true, even with the great (if overused) Cate Blanchett pouring eccentricity into the role. The Warlord Drago is as one-dimensional as villains come, his lines are growled and shouted and he has absolutely no story beyond "He is evil because that's the way he is". The stupid choices and arrogance displayed by our heroes frustrates, its like the first film never happened and no one learned. And much like other sequels DW has done, anything that worked in the first will work even better in the first! So bit characters that were kind of amusing are front and center now and do too much. Instead of inventing new and interesting characters and scenarios the movie leans on what came before.
As pretty as it is, the movie's tedious retread is in defiance of the first's inventiveness. A more tried and true sequel would have been difficult, but this film reeks of brand control, concession sales and without the care of good story telling and true emotion that so marked the first. Sure the dragons are cute and everyone is 5 years older (and the kids are still not Scottish or lost their now-annoying teenage mannerisms), but when compared to the first HTTYD2 loses more than it's foot this time, and apparently lost due to shooting itself there.
5 Where's The Viking Helmet Bra Continuity out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (2013)
Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues (PG-13)
"Sequel fails to deliver, news at 11"
The Action News Team returns to the dawning of the 80s in this unwise sequel to the strange comedy gold that was the sexy sexist 70s. This time they are joining a new 24hour cycle cable-news network, and Ron finds almost immediate success as an empty-air anchor, doing light breezy humanitarian stories that fill up the hours. Unfortunately the jokes and off-the-cuff humor isn't as successful. Whole plot lines feel like last-minute brain-storms (Ron is racist at dinner, Ron goes blind, Ron works at Seaworld!), and if the jokes landed we'd be more ok with that. The sequel feels more like Ron's solo movie than the comedy team work that was a well-oiled, very odd comedy gold machine last flick. Brick (Steve Carrell) gets a girlfriend, but Champ and Brian are both sidelined. Starts off funny but it soon fades, has very little of the lunatic creativity of the original, put down the scotch and change the channel.
4 Thrown Burritos out of 10 (BAD)
"Sequel fails to deliver, news at 11"
The Action News Team returns to the dawning of the 80s in this unwise sequel to the strange comedy gold that was the sexy sexist 70s. This time they are joining a new 24hour cycle cable-news network, and Ron finds almost immediate success as an empty-air anchor, doing light breezy humanitarian stories that fill up the hours. Unfortunately the jokes and off-the-cuff humor isn't as successful. Whole plot lines feel like last-minute brain-storms (Ron is racist at dinner, Ron goes blind, Ron works at Seaworld!), and if the jokes landed we'd be more ok with that. The sequel feels more like Ron's solo movie than the comedy team work that was a well-oiled, very odd comedy gold machine last flick. Brick (Steve Carrell) gets a girlfriend, but Champ and Brian are both sidelined. Starts off funny but it soon fades, has very little of the lunatic creativity of the original, put down the scotch and change the channel.
4 Thrown Burritos out of 10 (BAD)
Toy Story 3 (2010)
Toy Story 3 (G)
"Third Time's the harm"
The franchise has always been a funny relate-able tale for kids and a smart parable about the threat of obsolescence for us adults. Unfortunately by not having anything new to say and no new ways to say it these movies themselves are now becoming obsolete. The Pixar charm and magic has mostly drained away, leaving us with sequelitis: rehashed jokes, plot lines, and surprisingly manipulative/downright cliche emotional cues. If it wasn't for moments like Chuckles the Clown or an ingenious use of a tortilla, I'd almost think this film has earned it's direct-to-dvd roots. Lucky for all involved (scriptwriters/artists/voice talent) just going through the motions still works (i.e. makes $$$), especially when your previous two films laid the groundwork for this world our plastic pals live in. I feel like the cranky old Prospector for saying it, but perhaps Pixar should permanently shelve this beloved series before they break it beyond repair and it ends up in a landfill of terrible movie sequels for an eternity.
6.5 Snakes in my Boot out of 10 (GOOD)
"Third Time's the harm"
The franchise has always been a funny relate-able tale for kids and a smart parable about the threat of obsolescence for us adults. Unfortunately by not having anything new to say and no new ways to say it these movies themselves are now becoming obsolete. The Pixar charm and magic has mostly drained away, leaving us with sequelitis: rehashed jokes, plot lines, and surprisingly manipulative/downright cliche emotional cues. If it wasn't for moments like Chuckles the Clown or an ingenious use of a tortilla, I'd almost think this film has earned it's direct-to-dvd roots. Lucky for all involved (scriptwriters/artists/voice talent) just going through the motions still works (i.e. makes $$$), especially when your previous two films laid the groundwork for this world our plastic pals live in. I feel like the cranky old Prospector for saying it, but perhaps Pixar should permanently shelve this beloved series before they break it beyond repair and it ends up in a landfill of terrible movie sequels for an eternity.
6.5 Snakes in my Boot out of 10 (GOOD)
Crank: High Voltage (2009)
Crank: High Voltage (R)
"Jason Lives!"
Director duo Neveldine/Taylor's highly unlikely return the crack highlight reel that was Jason Statham and Crank somehow not only was conceived but produced as Chelios returns from the supposed dead sans his heart, stolen by the Chinese Tongs and replaced with a Kawasaki battery powered replacement without a warranty, and now Chelios must find his stolen ticker and keep his fake one electrified and the bad guys bleeding as he retreads most of the plot points and techniques from the first wacked-out drug laced original with a bad case of sequilitis, wherein the same jokes are made but "funnier", same actions taken but "bigger", see in the first Chelios kept his dying heart beating by putting the spurs to his girlfriend on a mailbox in Chinatown, while here he mounts up on the horse race track, no on the dirt of the track where all the spectators can see and his girlfriend can once again become embarrassed, but some of the moving parts are still fun to watch, even as they get a bit grimier, dirtier and less pure, like pure china white cut with baby powder, probably for die hard fans only but the giant Godzilla-like montage near the start of the film almost makes entry worthwhile, but the less experimental nature and extensive use of cheap digital photography make the hangover much more painful, and the high a bit more jagged.
5.5 Giant Jason Statham Masks would Sell! out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
"Jason Lives!"
Director duo Neveldine/Taylor's highly unlikely return the crack highlight reel that was Jason Statham and Crank somehow not only was conceived but produced as Chelios returns from the supposed dead sans his heart, stolen by the Chinese Tongs and replaced with a Kawasaki battery powered replacement without a warranty, and now Chelios must find his stolen ticker and keep his fake one electrified and the bad guys bleeding as he retreads most of the plot points and techniques from the first wacked-out drug laced original with a bad case of sequilitis, wherein the same jokes are made but "funnier", same actions taken but "bigger", see in the first Chelios kept his dying heart beating by putting the spurs to his girlfriend on a mailbox in Chinatown, while here he mounts up on the horse race track, no on the dirt of the track where all the spectators can see and his girlfriend can once again become embarrassed, but some of the moving parts are still fun to watch, even as they get a bit grimier, dirtier and less pure, like pure china white cut with baby powder, probably for die hard fans only but the giant Godzilla-like montage near the start of the film almost makes entry worthwhile, but the less experimental nature and extensive use of cheap digital photography make the hangover much more painful, and the high a bit more jagged.
5.5 Giant Jason Statham Masks would Sell! out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (NR) Review
"The Turds"
Billed (ha ha) by its director as a new entry into his personally conceived genre of the Horror Romance movie, Birdemic is not the kind of bad you can sit around with your friends on a friday night and laugh about. Birdemic is such an utter embarrassment on every conceivable level (Editing, Sound, Writing, Special Effects, Acting) that its only success was how it got so famous. Much like William Hung's American Idol success was a pop culture phenomenon that centered on exploitating a terrible dreamer, so is James Nguyen's film about a couple finding new love amidst killer birds. It was self financed, self filmed and self promoted at Sundance by driving around in his family car plastered with fake birds. He bought a midnight showing and filled it up with indy movie producers and schlock fans, people knew a cash cow when they saw one and it was bought for one million dollars and then excreted into our lives.
Indy films like this I try to give some leeway and crow about their positive points, but Birdemic is only an excuse to laugh at Nguyen and his inept filmmaking skills. The first time the shoddy birds appeared on screen (shockingly late in the film) they squeezed a hearty laugh out of me. An hour later and the same shoddy birds in the same awkward poses made me squirm in my seat, the wooden acting and terribly recorded audio made me want to plug my ears and hug my wallet in thanks that I hadn't spent any single dime on watching it. The ham-fisted slapped on "environmental message" will set back the green movement for years, and I can't imagine anyone with half an IQ point not being redfaced over its lousy... well, everything! Shame on the films distributors for giving Bay Area Businessman/Crappy Film Director/Exploited Outsider Artist James Nguyen the ability to kill (cgi birds) ever again, I hear a sequel is in the works for 2013. A man who can produce such a piece of work and feel good about charging someone to watch it deserves to have his taxes audited and his drivers license revoked, his morals are suspect.
This is the kind of film you make but only show a handful of friends every couple years, projected on a white sheet in someone's basement, secure in the fact that the shame is all yours and the fake-grins on their friendly faces will tell no one of what they've seen or who is to blame.
Never has a subtitle been so accurate about its content.
1 Exploding Hawks out of 10 (AWFUL)
"The Turds"
Billed (ha ha) by its director as a new entry into his personally conceived genre of the Horror Romance movie, Birdemic is not the kind of bad you can sit around with your friends on a friday night and laugh about. Birdemic is such an utter embarrassment on every conceivable level (Editing, Sound, Writing, Special Effects, Acting) that its only success was how it got so famous. Much like William Hung's American Idol success was a pop culture phenomenon that centered on exploitating a terrible dreamer, so is James Nguyen's film about a couple finding new love amidst killer birds. It was self financed, self filmed and self promoted at Sundance by driving around in his family car plastered with fake birds. He bought a midnight showing and filled it up with indy movie producers and schlock fans, people knew a cash cow when they saw one and it was bought for one million dollars and then excreted into our lives.
Indy films like this I try to give some leeway and crow about their positive points, but Birdemic is only an excuse to laugh at Nguyen and his inept filmmaking skills. The first time the shoddy birds appeared on screen (shockingly late in the film) they squeezed a hearty laugh out of me. An hour later and the same shoddy birds in the same awkward poses made me squirm in my seat, the wooden acting and terribly recorded audio made me want to plug my ears and hug my wallet in thanks that I hadn't spent any single dime on watching it. The ham-fisted slapped on "environmental message" will set back the green movement for years, and I can't imagine anyone with half an IQ point not being redfaced over its lousy... well, everything! Shame on the films distributors for giving Bay Area Businessman/Crappy Film Director/Exploited Outsider Artist James Nguyen the ability to kill (cgi birds) ever again, I hear a sequel is in the works for 2013. A man who can produce such a piece of work and feel good about charging someone to watch it deserves to have his taxes audited and his drivers license revoked, his morals are suspect.
This is the kind of film you make but only show a handful of friends every couple years, projected on a white sheet in someone's basement, secure in the fact that the shame is all yours and the fake-grins on their friendly faces will tell no one of what they've seen or who is to blame.
Never has a subtitle been so accurate about its content.
1 Exploding Hawks out of 10 (AWFUL)
From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (2000)
From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (R)
"Vampin' in the Ole West"
The Mexico border in the early 20th century, groups of pilgrims, desperadoes and lawmen unknowingly end up at a den of evil and prostitution in this prequel to the original From Dusk Till Dawn with a welcome western motif saddled with a dehydration of new ideas.
The film hitches a ride on the mystique of real-life Civil war hero and southern poet Ambrose Bierce (played by the always lovely Michael Parks), who has clairvoyance about his impending doom when he drinks. He is looking to join Pancho Villa in his revolution and finds his caravan joined by a bible salesman and his virtuous wife who quickly run afoul of a team of banditos and outlaws and a den of vampires. The film apes the format and twist of the original film without any of the finesse of writing or camerawork. The color temp varies wildly shot to shot, especially in the daytime scenes, eliciting a nausea that the slimmed-down gore can't achieve. The gunplay and production design may be far superior to FDTD2:TBM, but the general malaise of sequelhood can't sustain interest, and the forced prequel mother/father plot with its constant call backs to the original prevent it from being its own film. Both Park and Danny Trejo's return lend weight to the production, but when even Danny's stunt double gets the vampire makeup and replaces him for the rest of the film its time to hang up FDTD3:THMD's spurs and say "whoa cowboy, I don't think you're quite ready for the rodeo just yet".
4 Jeez Earl McGraw really knows how to act drunk out of 10 (BAD)
"Vampin' in the Ole West"
The Mexico border in the early 20th century, groups of pilgrims, desperadoes and lawmen unknowingly end up at a den of evil and prostitution in this prequel to the original From Dusk Till Dawn with a welcome western motif saddled with a dehydration of new ideas.
The film hitches a ride on the mystique of real-life Civil war hero and southern poet Ambrose Bierce (played by the always lovely Michael Parks), who has clairvoyance about his impending doom when he drinks. He is looking to join Pancho Villa in his revolution and finds his caravan joined by a bible salesman and his virtuous wife who quickly run afoul of a team of banditos and outlaws and a den of vampires. The film apes the format and twist of the original film without any of the finesse of writing or camerawork. The color temp varies wildly shot to shot, especially in the daytime scenes, eliciting a nausea that the slimmed-down gore can't achieve. The gunplay and production design may be far superior to FDTD2:TBM, but the general malaise of sequelhood can't sustain interest, and the forced prequel mother/father plot with its constant call backs to the original prevent it from being its own film. Both Park and Danny Trejo's return lend weight to the production, but when even Danny's stunt double gets the vampire makeup and replaces him for the rest of the film its time to hang up FDTD3:THMD's spurs and say "whoa cowboy, I don't think you're quite ready for the rodeo just yet".
4 Jeez Earl McGraw really knows how to act drunk out of 10 (BAD)
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About Me
- Kevin Gasaway via HardDrawn
- Turlock, California, United States
- Media and Reviews by Kevin Gasaway