The Last Stand (2013)

The Last Stand (R) - Review


"Barely has a leg to stand on"

A small Arizona border town has a immigration problem only this time its keeping a Mexican from going back to Mexico.  An evil Cartel druglord escapes from the FBI and is making a break for the border in an experimental car, while in the sleepy backwater town of Summerton the local gruff Sheriff and his kooky deputies prepare to stop him and fight off his army of mercenaries invading his town.

The Last Stand is Arnold Schwarzenegger's (The Terminator) return to starring in an action film and its doubtful he will be back for many more.  Forrest Whittaker leads the FBI pursuit of Cortez from afar, but Sheriff Arnie takes matters into his own hands to defend his town, deputizing local weirdos and drunks and mobilizing them against the group of hired guns sent there to prepare for the getaway.  Its a ridculous premise with ridiculous amounts of fire power and subsequent head wounds, but South Korean director Kim-Ji Woon (The Good, The Bad, The Weird) gives it all a zany cartoonish energy that can't help but be admired (or at least smirked at).  The unrelenting old jokes and the reek of grandpa Arnie's oldspice is offset by his wacky sidekicks, led by cowardly lion Louis Guzman and childish gun-nut Johnny Knoxville.  The merc unit is headed by Peter Stormare (Fargo) as his typical crazy swede, lisping dialogue waving his sixshooter while driving a big rig. If his character sounds of the wall yet palatable then his mission to build a "mobile assault bridge" across a ravine that separates Arizona from Mexico so that druglord Cortez can drive across in his fancy supercar will appear seamless.  His army defeated, Cortez arrives just in time to be chased down personally by Arnie and after a long excruciating sequence of driving through a corn field (?), the final showdown takes place on the bridge in an old fashioned slugfest between Arnie's very slow haymakers and Cortez's young hip dude UFC style grappling.

The movie's star Arnold is exhausted on screen and having trouble remaining erect (no jokes please).  Cortez is laughably overplayed and is about as menacing as a churro salesman, Whittaker is underused and over confused, and there are too many strange casting choices and odd accents for a supposedly small town "Americana under attack" flick.  Visually there are moments where the footage takes on a jarring video like quality (mostly in car chases and action) and most of the fun can be owed to hamming it up in front of the camera and heavy improvisation.  But the cartoony premise gives the film a head start, the 1980s meat grinder gives it lift, the 1990s post modern over the top action template lets it fly.  The "I know I can't do this much longer" attitude of Last Action Hero, the over the top CG laden zeal of Con-Air, its all been done before (and better), but there are some nostalgia laden moments here that will stand up to ridicule (or enjoyed being ridiculed).

Now if only someone could write a role where Arnie doesn't have to stand so much (and no bending over!), he'll be good for another 30 years.

6 Guns named Georgina out of 10 (GOOD)