Kong: Skull Island (2017)

Kong: Skull Island (PG-13)

"Ape-ocalypse Now"

1973: A mysterious organization wishes to explore an unknown island in the South Pacific, a recently discharged US Vietnam Helicopter strike team is enlisted to escort them there, and upon arrival are met with more than they bargained for in the re-imagined relaunch of the King Kong legacy, Kong: Skull Island.

Firstly, lets get it on the table that the casting is great;  John Goodman, Samuel L. Jackson, Tom Hiddleston, and  Brie Larson all populate the movie well.  But for every Shea Whigham as a quirky grizzled veteran there is someone like Hiddleston who is left without much to do or act except to be pretty for the camera, or like most of the cast just be unnamed expendable Kong fodder (and boy are they expendable!).  The only exception is venerable character actor John C. Reilly (Boogie Nights) as a WW2 flyboy marooned on the island.  He steals almost every scene, which isn't to say everything John does is solid improv gold, but it IS to say that the majority of the movie's scenes are stiff bores without him, and since he featured so prominently in marketing for the film the producers probably agreed.  The star left to mention is Kong, and he is definitively the strongest version of himself since the golden age. Well rendered and animated without a hint cartooniness, Kong comes off well but he also doesn't have much to do.  Stripped of his classically unPC romance with the human female to motivate him, with no urban landscape to show off his gigantism and prowess, he is present just to growl, shout and pound the diminutive jungle around him.

Plot holes are as big as the cracks in Kong's CG nose.  Is this an action-comedy or a Monster movie?  Can this be called a remake if major plot points of 1933 Kong are ignored?  Gone is any romance or sense of adventure.  From the get go it's a "let's just see who gets eaten next," instead of a dark mystery.  And every character's motivation to go into a potentially deadly unknown situation without proper training or preparation is the movie's biggest weakness, not only by civilians but followed blindly by a squadron of battle hardened Helicopter-jockeys and gunmen just off the front line in 'Nam.  It just reeks of the sandbox "because it is cool" reason for film making without a hint of the real politics, ramifications, or artistry of the Vietnam 70s era.

The director Jordan Vogt-Roberts seems to be juggling things that aren't his forte.  What was sold by WB marketing as Apocalypse Now with giant apes seems to not even understand what makes a good Vietnam movie, let alone a good Kaiju one.  And while the CG monsters and production design hold up well and look great on screen (much improved over Jackson's 2005 remake), there are many scenes of the humans with overly obvious green screening or framed just for the 3d effect and it is jarring.  Add to that Zack Snyder's slow-motion heavy DP handling the lens, and you have a slog through digital jungles and pointless fake giant things smacking each other dramatically. Sometimes it looks pretty, but most often than not it looks created.  As does the 1970s setting, never once does it ring true.  It feels like everyone, both behind and in front of the camera, are making their best bet what the decade was and ending up with a pale imitation.

Now imagine the existential dread of Coppolla's Apocalypse Now, but instead of Kurtz at the end of the river there is a 60 foot tall Ape-like creature fighting skull monsters, with PTSD'ed men refusing to follow orders or civilians turning out to be the true evil or something along those lines, and it could have been epic (and a unique spin on a classic).  Instead it ends up  "we found giant monsters, they eat us, lets escape or kill them", the end. Sure there are hints that the next movies are going to be crazy; Rodan, Mothra, even King Ghidora is mentioned in the credits and the inevitable Kong vs. Godzilla is just a stones throw away, but what about the movie now, the one you just watched?  Comparatively Skull Island falls well short of the experience of the 1933 classic, maybe even of the 1976 version.  It turns out to be just as many empty calories as the tub of popcorn you bought, and about as much forethought and love went into it's making.

4.5 Chest Rockwells Saying "WeeWee" out of 10 (MEDIOCRE)