Ted (2012)

Ted (R) - Review

"Unbearably unfunny."

A lonely boy, Johnny, is given a Teddy bear one Christmas and after a heartfelt wish the bear comes to life and becomes his real best friend.  Now 27 years later they are still bffs, evidenced by the amount of weed they smoke on the couch together as John's life heads nowhere.

Ted is Seth McFarlane's humor through and through, almost a blueprint of what's made his show Family Guy moderately successful.  Borderline misogyny and sexism, pop culture references, retro 1980s referrences, long drawn out fight scenes between a man and a cartoon character, a penchant for creating unlikeable/unsympathetic female characters, musicality and classic hollywood score, uncomfortably racist caricatures, geeky in-jokes, absurdist meta jokes, snappy dialogue featuring the same old tv voices.  The only new trick here is the act of dipping into the treacly shmaltzly ending that counteracts (and makes less effective) the rest of the baudy ribald humor. 

Mark Whalberg (Boogie Nights) plays his traditional Boston accented loveable dunderhead, a man who still needs his Teddy in a thunderstorm.  Mila Kunich tries but can't do much with such a whiny thirdwheel girlfriend who so happens to be the love of John's life (of course), who loves him so much that she demands change and the expulsion of Ted from his life (of course).  Ted himself is rather well done CGI bear who interacts well with his environment, ironically of all the characters the cartooniest is the most sincere and has the most to say and do.   The creepy subplot of an obsessed fan and his child round out this cast and the terrible bore of a plot.

It runs long but feels longer.  There are very few jokes that are funny and the Bear/man bromance is either way too serious or not serious enough to make it all real.  When its not trying to be edgy the film sucks up and plays to all the same old tired rom/com contrivances that Seth himself would mock other films for.

When the best thing about your movie is continual references to the 1980s cult movie "Flash Gordon" (which outshines this turd like a child's hallway nitelite on Christmas eve) then all the CGI bear sex and bong hits in the world aren't going to fix your "comedy".

3 Teddy Ruxspins References out of 10 (BAD)