Punk's Dead; SLC Punk 2 (R)
"Only posers die"
Of all the crowd funded, nostalgia-glomming and remake raping that the film scene perpetrates now, nothing takes the crappy cake quite like SLC Punk 2, aka Punk's Dead. So, how dead is it?
If the ultimate message of SLC Punk! was the inevitability of selling out in modern society to survive, then SLC Punk 2 shows just how damaging artistically it can be to do so. Watching this film leaves one with the impression that maybe you're better off freezing to death than living. One half of the movie, the better half, focuses on a carload of teenaged punks, some goth some hardcore some straight edge, crossing back over county lines into Salt Lake City for a concert while. One, Ross, is suffering from heart break of a very stereotypical nature. Along the way they get drunk, do drugs, fight redneck fathers and barely act their way out of their cliched paper bags. However, let's not focus on them; at least they are young and inexperienced and serve some reason for the film to have been made (misguided though it may be). Meanwhile the film is haunted by the ghost of Heroin Bob (Goorjian) who provides us context (hah!) exposition (haha!) and the strongest tie to the original movie (sad face).
Bob, with an ill fitting bald cap/mohawk, is now the narrator of SLC2 (Matthew Lillard reportedly refused to appear in the sequel, good call Matt). One of the young punks, Ross, is his son who he fathered with Trish, and so Bob paces about oblivion in his combat boots offering his opinions on the state of his family and society. This is the only part of the film that even barely resembles the original film. Joining Bob in SLCP2 are also our old friends Sean, Eddie and John the Mod, aka, the only other actors unwisely willing to return for the sequel. They are given a few useless lines (and reportedly paid next to nothing for doing so), and have their beloved characters dragged through the mud (John a sleazy internet porn tycoon?). They sit in obvious, flat sets or in the back of cheap rented limos and read as much time-filling mush of dialog as the director can give them to fill in the holes between Bob and his kids. Meanwhile, the concert they are all meeting at not only looks and sounds terrible, it was a kickstarter "bonus" to backers and is given so much screen time its almost another character. A character every bit as terrible as the rest in the movie, both in conception and portrayal (betrayal)? Compare, for instance, the Sean character's amusing anecdotes from both movies: SLC1: the acid flashback, the homelessness, Sean is a funny yet tragic tale of youth gone awry. In SLC2 he is a lawyer (somehow) who steals a cop's bike in a scene that is painfully, systematically unfunny. The only thing laughable in that scene is how inept it is.
Gone is the intelligence, the wit, the energy, the newness, the raw camera work, the snappy conversations, the pastiche of film, even the underground music! In it's place are bad wigs on top of unpracticed performers stiffly reading a bad script in a bad movie that shovels in as much concert footage as it can to pad it's run time. If SLC Punk! hadn't been such an artistic success, would Punk2 be as Dead as it is here, visually decomposing the good will from the first to fleece the good memories and bank accounts of the original's devotees?
If Punk is dead you'll have to ask returning writer/director James Merendino. Who killed it James?
2 No Stevo, No Shooter, No Service out of 10 (AWFUL)
Showing posts with label AWFUL. Show all posts
Showing posts with label AWFUL. Show all posts
Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Jupiter Ascending (PG-13)
"Stupider is as Jupiter does"
The poor daughter of an immigrant house cleaner is sucked into a sci-fi vortex of space ships and soap operas in the Wachowski sibling's newest effort, Jupiter Ascending.
Mila Kunis is Jupiter, the female protagonist so gullible and worthless even her villain points out the overwhelming evidence of her own idiotic naivete to her face. Apparently she is the accidental gene double of the former Queen of the galaxy (humans have spread farther and ascended higher than us lowly Earthlings know), and the reigning Royalty is out to silence Jupiter before she lays claim to her Throne by birth right (and their Soylent Green-ish business model). A confusing mish-mash of Science Fiction tropes is awaiting her ladyship, the damsel in distress. Foremost is her Prince in shining armor, or in this case Channing Tatum with elf ears and glowing inline gravity space skates. The ridiculousness of that sentence was apparently lost on no-one but the filmmakers. The Wachowski siblings may be attempting to flaunt their new found feminine sides but Jupiter Ascending is nothing but a badly disguised romance novel with lasers and space princesses, the kind of fanfic usually reserved for the laziest alleys of the internet.
The CG is pretty but ineffective, the actors they squeezed into it just wave their arms around and grit their teeth and hope they look like they are piloting a star fighter. The production design is glossy but derivative and sadly you can't help but laugh every time Tatum's rocket shoes try to look cool, and meanwhile the jumpy exposition attempts to tie the story to real life UFOs on Earth and is slipshod and wildly uneven, Men in Black did a better job at covering plot holes through memory loss than does JA, and it was an action comedy!. Well thought out isn't Jupiter's strong suit, and neither is it's plot or heroine. Apparently audiences were supposed to feel for a poor, Russian migrant girl who inherits the planet and then gets to dress pretty for 2 hours while making the stupidest of decisions like a cinematic 1950s airhead. Eddie Redmayne (as one of the evil Abraxas siblings out to stop Jupiter) has now gone the gamut of Oscar winner one year to squealing over-acting scenery chewer the next, and being in this bomb may cut down on his appeal. Meanwhile Mila shows even less acting chops than normal, Channing is a mopey and uncharismatic bore who just goes PEW PEW while glowering. Even a Sean Bean cameo adds nothing to the proceedings, nothing! and there needs to be a whole lot more.
In short, Jupiter Ascending is a trip down, way down, descending to the level of a Harry Potter/Hungergames/Young Adult Book cash grab wanna be with no purpose or source material to support its many weaknesses and eccentricities. The movie Cloud Atlas could have been without an excellent writer in other words.
2 Must Love Dogs out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Stupider is as Jupiter does"
The poor daughter of an immigrant house cleaner is sucked into a sci-fi vortex of space ships and soap operas in the Wachowski sibling's newest effort, Jupiter Ascending.
Mila Kunis is Jupiter, the female protagonist so gullible and worthless even her villain points out the overwhelming evidence of her own idiotic naivete to her face. Apparently she is the accidental gene double of the former Queen of the galaxy (humans have spread farther and ascended higher than us lowly Earthlings know), and the reigning Royalty is out to silence Jupiter before she lays claim to her Throne by birth right (and their Soylent Green-ish business model). A confusing mish-mash of Science Fiction tropes is awaiting her ladyship, the damsel in distress. Foremost is her Prince in shining armor, or in this case Channing Tatum with elf ears and glowing inline gravity space skates. The ridiculousness of that sentence was apparently lost on no-one but the filmmakers. The Wachowski siblings may be attempting to flaunt their new found feminine sides but Jupiter Ascending is nothing but a badly disguised romance novel with lasers and space princesses, the kind of fanfic usually reserved for the laziest alleys of the internet.
The CG is pretty but ineffective, the actors they squeezed into it just wave their arms around and grit their teeth and hope they look like they are piloting a star fighter. The production design is glossy but derivative and sadly you can't help but laugh every time Tatum's rocket shoes try to look cool, and meanwhile the jumpy exposition attempts to tie the story to real life UFOs on Earth and is slipshod and wildly uneven, Men in Black did a better job at covering plot holes through memory loss than does JA, and it was an action comedy!. Well thought out isn't Jupiter's strong suit, and neither is it's plot or heroine. Apparently audiences were supposed to feel for a poor, Russian migrant girl who inherits the planet and then gets to dress pretty for 2 hours while making the stupidest of decisions like a cinematic 1950s airhead. Eddie Redmayne (as one of the evil Abraxas siblings out to stop Jupiter) has now gone the gamut of Oscar winner one year to squealing over-acting scenery chewer the next, and being in this bomb may cut down on his appeal. Meanwhile Mila shows even less acting chops than normal, Channing is a mopey and uncharismatic bore who just goes PEW PEW while glowering. Even a Sean Bean cameo adds nothing to the proceedings, nothing! and there needs to be a whole lot more.
In short, Jupiter Ascending is a trip down, way down, descending to the level of a Harry Potter/Hungergames/Young Adult Book cash grab wanna be with no purpose or source material to support its many weaknesses and eccentricities. The movie Cloud Atlas could have been without an excellent writer in other words.
2 Must Love Dogs out of 10 (AWFUL)
Sabotage (2014)
Sabotage (R) - Review
"Get to da flop-pa!"
A DEA special forces team under the leadership of a distraught veteran rob some drug lords of 10 million dollars in a bloody bust, and are immediately double crossed. Six months later and their suspension over, the members are slowly dying off, one by one. Is it the money, is it the cartels, or is it someone within the group of violent sociopaths cloaked in authority? For Writer/Director David Ayer (scripter of the great Training Day and director of 2014's iffy Fury) Sabotage may live up to it's name, for his career at least.
And speaking of name, once the credits roll you may ask yourself what the film's title even means, or how it relates to story. And its a story that is so mean and nasty, so edgy but over the top "realistic" that it's general aura is as pleasant to watch as a grisly two dollar steak aging on the windowsill for a week. It's like Ayer and co-writer Scott Wood (whose screenwriting credits list many terrible mistakes like Wolverine: Origins) had lost a bet and had to translate TVs The Shield bad/good cop routine for the big screen. Except now with dripping guts and exposed strippers and enough Fbombs dropped to make the Anola Gay blush. Every woman is an edgy bad-ass power femme, every man has a PTSD loaded machine rifle and facial hair, every conversation is dingy curse-laden repartee that is as repetitive and gross as the exploitative violence. The filmmakers must have been brain damaged by all the squibs going off to expect the audience to embrace this team of psychotic tattooed criminals with badges when literally the entire country is concerned with the militarization of the police and their relation to the armed authority. Perhaps they thought their aging star would take the curse off it.
Arnold however comes with his own cinematic baggage. A lifetime of action movies, which often invented the same tropes that Sabotage tries to emulate, lays on Arnie's face, and you can't blame him for taking the role of DEA legend Breacher on. The actor has so many cheesy 80s 90s action vehicles under his belt that he is impossible to take seriously. They literally give him my late-Grandpa's haircut but avoid all the snide old jokes that we kind of smirked through in 2013's The Last Stand. Still Breacher's character arc couldn't have been telegraphed any better had it been transmitted by Samuel Morse himself, but then the producer's obviously got cold feet and recut the film's ending so that it's more of a traditional Arnold part, a schizophrenic decision that leaves the editing janky and build-up of tone all for nothing. Your own imagination might try to over complicate the plot of this almost 2 hour slog, but no this one is just going through the tough guys n girls cliches with nary a "good time tonight". It's all digital sprays of blood and curses, quarterbacked by a near-octogenarian who can barely move and whose character has almost no backstory to account for his Austrian presence in rural Georgia, not that any of the cast gets any kind of motivation beyond "we are generally unpleasant and have no regard for human life".
The whole film smacks of wasted energy. The plot and cinematic style screams late Tony Scott (the unwise Domino comes to mind) filled with green lights and spent shells. Missing is his driving sense of violent energy and stylish action, for Sabotage is just bullet snaps and soggy quips. The ensemble cast reminds of a squad of malcontents under fire ala Black Hawk Down, but woefully underuses it's talent. For instance Terrance Howard must have been edited completely out, his screen time is so minuscule and is used and abused by the plot like yesterday's wet naps, no way would he have agreed to this part as is on screen, and the rest of the cast fares no better. An entire hour was purportedly sliced from the film for which I must heartily congratulate some nameless studio suit for reducing my exposure to this film's noxious aroma. In no way did this dud need more side stories, more cop talk or a surprise twist at the end that was already boringly obvious.
The film is a dirty stinking mess either way, and that ending, ugh. It just keeps going through its murderous motions all the while smugly asking you out of the corner of its gleefully puling mouth "isn't this great?" It's the face of a movie that you'd just like to punch. Hard.
2 He Didn't Say He'll Be Back, But We Know He Will out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Get to da flop-pa!"
A DEA special forces team under the leadership of a distraught veteran rob some drug lords of 10 million dollars in a bloody bust, and are immediately double crossed. Six months later and their suspension over, the members are slowly dying off, one by one. Is it the money, is it the cartels, or is it someone within the group of violent sociopaths cloaked in authority? For Writer/Director David Ayer (scripter of the great Training Day and director of 2014's iffy Fury) Sabotage may live up to it's name, for his career at least.
And speaking of name, once the credits roll you may ask yourself what the film's title even means, or how it relates to story. And its a story that is so mean and nasty, so edgy but over the top "realistic" that it's general aura is as pleasant to watch as a grisly two dollar steak aging on the windowsill for a week. It's like Ayer and co-writer Scott Wood (whose screenwriting credits list many terrible mistakes like Wolverine: Origins) had lost a bet and had to translate TVs The Shield bad/good cop routine for the big screen. Except now with dripping guts and exposed strippers and enough Fbombs dropped to make the Anola Gay blush. Every woman is an edgy bad-ass power femme, every man has a PTSD loaded machine rifle and facial hair, every conversation is dingy curse-laden repartee that is as repetitive and gross as the exploitative violence. The filmmakers must have been brain damaged by all the squibs going off to expect the audience to embrace this team of psychotic tattooed criminals with badges when literally the entire country is concerned with the militarization of the police and their relation to the armed authority. Perhaps they thought their aging star would take the curse off it.
Arnold however comes with his own cinematic baggage. A lifetime of action movies, which often invented the same tropes that Sabotage tries to emulate, lays on Arnie's face, and you can't blame him for taking the role of DEA legend Breacher on. The actor has so many cheesy 80s 90s action vehicles under his belt that he is impossible to take seriously. They literally give him my late-Grandpa's haircut but avoid all the snide old jokes that we kind of smirked through in 2013's The Last Stand. Still Breacher's character arc couldn't have been telegraphed any better had it been transmitted by Samuel Morse himself, but then the producer's obviously got cold feet and recut the film's ending so that it's more of a traditional Arnold part, a schizophrenic decision that leaves the editing janky and build-up of tone all for nothing. Your own imagination might try to over complicate the plot of this almost 2 hour slog, but no this one is just going through the tough guys n girls cliches with nary a "good time tonight". It's all digital sprays of blood and curses, quarterbacked by a near-octogenarian who can barely move and whose character has almost no backstory to account for his Austrian presence in rural Georgia, not that any of the cast gets any kind of motivation beyond "we are generally unpleasant and have no regard for human life".
The whole film smacks of wasted energy. The plot and cinematic style screams late Tony Scott (the unwise Domino comes to mind) filled with green lights and spent shells. Missing is his driving sense of violent energy and stylish action, for Sabotage is just bullet snaps and soggy quips. The ensemble cast reminds of a squad of malcontents under fire ala Black Hawk Down, but woefully underuses it's talent. For instance Terrance Howard must have been edited completely out, his screen time is so minuscule and is used and abused by the plot like yesterday's wet naps, no way would he have agreed to this part as is on screen, and the rest of the cast fares no better. An entire hour was purportedly sliced from the film for which I must heartily congratulate some nameless studio suit for reducing my exposure to this film's noxious aroma. In no way did this dud need more side stories, more cop talk or a surprise twist at the end that was already boringly obvious.
The film is a dirty stinking mess either way, and that ending, ugh. It just keeps going through its murderous motions all the while smugly asking you out of the corner of its gleefully puling mouth "isn't this great?" It's the face of a movie that you'd just like to punch. Hard.
2 He Didn't Say He'll Be Back, But We Know He Will out of 10 (AWFUL)
Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)
Star Trek Into Darkness (PG-13)
Kirk and company, who now are adventuring (ripping off) their own adventures, find themselves face to face with a familiar old foe: Bad Screenwriting in JJ Abrams sophomoric sequel to the reboot of a classic franchise.
All the stars return to their roles, and the new bad guy is the new-hot-thing Benedict Cumberbatch filling the role once played by Ricardo Montebon, the genetically superior and evil Khan. Now, this isn't Khan any more than Quinto is Spock, but the unfortunate casting can easily be misconstrued as whitewashing if it wasn't for Cho (a Korean) who is still playing Sulu (who is Japanese). No, it's just Hollywood filling roles with the "most famous one we can get," and even though Pine is actually a great choice for Kirk he still suffers from the Boy Band quality of the cast. Benedict himself was lauded for his performance, which is baffling considering the mans strangely flared nostrils and glossy emo hair. But the casting really isn't what is wrong with Star Trek Into Darkness.
It's that it isn't Star Trek. The post 9-11, drone-scared fearmongering warlords are strong with this one. If someone had shown me clips and told me it was a film of the video game Halo it would have been believable. What isn't believable is the exploitation of the best Trek film, ST2: Wrath of Khan, to fuel this mishmash of a hot garbage bonfire. It's all twisted beyond reproach to entertain an audience who apparently doesn't know that adding some lens flares, parkour and pew pew lasers doesn't make a franchise better. And the old switcheroo that happens at the end, with its prolonged prerequisite internet famous"KHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAN" yell that almost rivals Darth Vaders "NOOOOOOOOOOoooo" in laugh generation, is all null and void thanks to the amazing miracle jelly that was injected into Shatner's toupee a reel back for some damn reason, damnit Jim I'm a Doctor not a Script-Doctor! Having reasonably enjoyed the first installment despite it's glaring flaws did not give permission to go hog wild with the canon JJ (despite what the suits and yes men and George Lucas' neck's told you).
These are the people in charge of SciFi films for decades to come, making these descisions, making more sequels and starting new franchises (and dabbling in other venerated ones). Spock's Brain wept.
2 Spock Punching a Guy?! Where's the Vulcan Nerve Pinch, DUH!?!? out of 10 (AWFUL)
Kirk and company, who now are adventuring (ripping off) their own adventures, find themselves face to face with a familiar old foe: Bad Screenwriting in JJ Abrams sophomoric sequel to the reboot of a classic franchise.
All the stars return to their roles, and the new bad guy is the new-hot-thing Benedict Cumberbatch filling the role once played by Ricardo Montebon, the genetically superior and evil Khan. Now, this isn't Khan any more than Quinto is Spock, but the unfortunate casting can easily be misconstrued as whitewashing if it wasn't for Cho (a Korean) who is still playing Sulu (who is Japanese). No, it's just Hollywood filling roles with the "most famous one we can get," and even though Pine is actually a great choice for Kirk he still suffers from the Boy Band quality of the cast. Benedict himself was lauded for his performance, which is baffling considering the mans strangely flared nostrils and glossy emo hair. But the casting really isn't what is wrong with Star Trek Into Darkness.
It's that it isn't Star Trek. The post 9-11, drone-scared fearmongering warlords are strong with this one. If someone had shown me clips and told me it was a film of the video game Halo it would have been believable. What isn't believable is the exploitation of the best Trek film, ST2: Wrath of Khan, to fuel this mishmash of a hot garbage bonfire. It's all twisted beyond reproach to entertain an audience who apparently doesn't know that adding some lens flares, parkour and pew pew lasers doesn't make a franchise better. And the old switcheroo that happens at the end, with its prolonged prerequisite internet famous"KHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAN" yell that almost rivals Darth Vaders "NOOOOOOOOOOoooo" in laugh generation, is all null and void thanks to the amazing miracle jelly that was injected into Shatner's toupee a reel back for some damn reason, damnit Jim I'm a Doctor not a Script-Doctor! Having reasonably enjoyed the first installment despite it's glaring flaws did not give permission to go hog wild with the canon JJ (despite what the suits and yes men and George Lucas' neck's told you).
These are the people in charge of SciFi films for decades to come, making these descisions, making more sequels and starting new franchises (and dabbling in other venerated ones). Spock's Brain wept.
2 Spock Punching a Guy?! Where's the Vulcan Nerve Pinch, DUH!?!? out of 10 (AWFUL)
Battleship (2012)
Battleship (PG-13) - Review
"You Sunk My Outlook on Life!"
The extremely unwise translation of blind guessing boardgame to Summer movie shlockbuster somehow cleared all natural impediments of rational thought and given a budget of over 200 million boggles the mind. Battleship tries to incorporate too much disingenuous military authenticity, explode too much large CG Alien machinery, dirtied too many Liam Neesons, ripoff too many Scifi-action robot flicks and appease too many international audiences to not be self aware of it's own stupidity. The wasted level of human brainpower that went into forcing this square peg into this round hole, the act of transforming Battleship from plastic pieces to plastic acting makes one weep for future generations. This is the kind of movie that should have caused riots upon release, and the slippery slope of acceptance will perhaps lead to one day of "Sorry: The Movie", complete with pop-o-matic fueled explosions.
2 They Actually Used The Pegs? out of 10 (AWFUL)
"You Sunk My Outlook on Life!"
The extremely unwise translation of blind guessing boardgame to Summer movie shlockbuster somehow cleared all natural impediments of rational thought and given a budget of over 200 million boggles the mind. Battleship tries to incorporate too much disingenuous military authenticity, explode too much large CG Alien machinery, dirtied too many Liam Neesons, ripoff too many Scifi-action robot flicks and appease too many international audiences to not be self aware of it's own stupidity. The wasted level of human brainpower that went into forcing this square peg into this round hole, the act of transforming Battleship from plastic pieces to plastic acting makes one weep for future generations. This is the kind of movie that should have caused riots upon release, and the slippery slope of acceptance will perhaps lead to one day of "Sorry: The Movie", complete with pop-o-matic fueled explosions.
2 They Actually Used The Pegs? out of 10 (AWFUL)
Lockout (2012)
Lockout (PG-13) -
"60 Seconds to Brain Death"
A critical mass of ineptitude (both in front of and behind the camera) cause a Space Prison full of Scottish Psycho prisoners to riot and the authorities have no choice but to send tough guy Mr. Snow (played by Guy Pierce) in to rescue the presidents daughter, which seems almost logical when compared to the rest of this movies plot. The premise however isn't the real bad guy here, the entirety of the editing is. So devoid of any decent action, so cobbled together are the CG racing/flying scenes that they ended up being literally laugh out loudable, and the violence and action so cut down to remove any of said violence or action (to maintain a very wimpy PG13), LockOut really is just an excuse for Pierce to strut around doing his best Snake Plissken impression by snarking one liners at the rest of the woefully inadequate cast. Guy makes a energetic try at salvaging the film, but with an ending (a sky/Space Dive to Earth) so bereft of intelligence/coherence/
1 Carpenter Rip Offs out of 10 (AWFUL)
"60 Seconds to Brain Death"
A critical mass of ineptitude (both in front of and behind the camera) cause a Space Prison full of Scottish Psycho prisoners to riot and the authorities have no choice but to send tough guy Mr. Snow (played by Guy Pierce) in to rescue the presidents daughter, which seems almost logical when compared to the rest of this movies plot. The premise however isn't the real bad guy here, the entirety of the editing is. So devoid of any decent action, so cobbled together are the CG racing/flying scenes that they ended up being literally laugh out loudable, and the violence and action so cut down to remove any of said violence or action (to maintain a very wimpy PG13), LockOut really is just an excuse for Pierce to strut around doing his best Snake Plissken impression by snarking one liners at the rest of the woefully inadequate cast. Guy makes a energetic try at salvaging the film, but with an ending (a sky/Space Dive to Earth) so bereft of intelligence/coherence/
1 Carpenter Rip Offs out of 10 (AWFUL)
Battle: LA (2011)
Battle: Los Angeles (PG-13)
"The Battle to Stay Awake"
Less of a battle, more of a video game demo, right down to the by-the-book squad members and terrible writing with plastic motivations. Retroactively makes Independance Day look like Apocalypse Now.
1 Depressingly Expensive Movie out of 10 (AWFUL)
"The Battle to Stay Awake"
Less of a battle, more of a video game demo, right down to the by-the-book squad members and terrible writing with plastic motivations. Retroactively makes Independance Day look like Apocalypse Now.
1 Depressingly Expensive Movie out of 10 (AWFUL)
Juan of the Dead (2011)
Juan of the Dead (NR) - Review
"Embargo Couldn't stop this?"
A spanish language rip off of Shawn of the Dead, both in plot and title, Juan is a middle aged slacker in Cuba. When the undead begin to rip apart his not-quite-beloved society, Juan and his slacker cohorts band together to exploit the situation and keep his young daughter safe. Using zombie-ology as a pastiche for the wrongs of communism is a good idea, but all the zany humor, gaffing at the camera, absolute no brainer script and iffy special effects makes this one hard to swallow, even with a pile of salt.
2.5 Floatillas out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Embargo Couldn't stop this?"
A spanish language rip off of Shawn of the Dead, both in plot and title, Juan is a middle aged slacker in Cuba. When the undead begin to rip apart his not-quite-beloved society, Juan and his slacker cohorts band together to exploit the situation and keep his young daughter safe. Using zombie-ology as a pastiche for the wrongs of communism is a good idea, but all the zany humor, gaffing at the camera, absolute no brainer script and iffy special effects makes this one hard to swallow, even with a pile of salt.
2.5 Floatillas out of 10 (AWFUL)
Blitz (2011)
Blitz (R) - Review
"A Blitzkreig of Boring"
Blitz is just another Jason Statham vehicle that crashes and burns on the causeway instead of driving us to the Hamlet of Entertainment. Without a lick of action or acting or accessibility, supposedly based on a popular UK noir novel, with accented drivel and barely articulated plot, Blitz is to film fans what sugarless candy is to diabetes patients. It exists only to remind you of how much better the real thing is.
2 Boring Bald Bad Guys out of 10 (AWFUL)
"A Blitzkreig of Boring"
Blitz is just another Jason Statham vehicle that crashes and burns on the causeway instead of driving us to the Hamlet of Entertainment. Without a lick of action or acting or accessibility, supposedly based on a popular UK noir novel, with accented drivel and barely articulated plot, Blitz is to film fans what sugarless candy is to diabetes patients. It exists only to remind you of how much better the real thing is.
2 Boring Bald Bad Guys out of 10 (AWFUL)
Resident Evil: Afterlife (2009)
Resident Evil: Afterlife (R) - Review
"Do Not Resuscitate"
The Resident Evil franchise is rather fascinating, what with each iteration completely ejecting the previous films ideas just to make way for the new ones Paul W. S. Anderson has dreamed up. In this one Milla Jovovich has conveniently lost her powers and must now fight the hoard in dilapidated (and flooded?) Los Angeles. She ends up in a prison where she must work with and rescue the people inside to get to the next red herring of an ending that the next movie will simply ignore and write whatever the hell they want to happen. This is, however, one of the slowest and ploddingest of the RE movies and has the fewest tie ins to the video games that spawned it.
2.5 Lilu's out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Do Not Resuscitate"
The Resident Evil franchise is rather fascinating, what with each iteration completely ejecting the previous films ideas just to make way for the new ones Paul W. S. Anderson has dreamed up. In this one Milla Jovovich has conveniently lost her powers and must now fight the hoard in dilapidated (and flooded?) Los Angeles. She ends up in a prison where she must work with and rescue the people inside to get to the next red herring of an ending that the next movie will simply ignore and write whatever the hell they want to happen. This is, however, one of the slowest and ploddingest of the RE movies and has the fewest tie ins to the video games that spawned it.
2.5 Lilu's out of 10 (AWFUL)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (PG13) - Review
"Go SNIKT Yourself"
"Go SNIKT Yourself"
Fox now attempts to ruin the one huge star of their now
wilting Super Hero platform as Wolverine gets some unwise alone time in this
prequelish revealing of his past, this time only finding the depths of
stupidity in the studio system. Wolvy is
barely able to hold up the film, finding a complete lack of respect for the
books that spawned him and terrible decisions regarding his regressive
past. It must be noted that XMO:W is
loosely based on the Origins comic book, a best seller and lowpoint in the more
modern machismo of the ancient Canadian furball, so it all can’t be blamed on
the filmmakers, but let’s try.
Sabertooth (now with correct attitude if not the correct look) turns out
to be his long lost step brother who has bloodied his life at every
opportunity. After fighting in Vietnam,
the long lived Logan is recruited by Team X, and after being instilled with the
miracle metal Adamantium is forced to fight his former teammates (all second
string characters or actors) to avenge his lost lady love. Who will avenge the legacy of Wolverine being
the cool X-Man, or of fan favorite Wade Wilson (played by Ryan Reynolds who
cannot get a break), who is so spat upon here as to make any return to the
Marvel Universe an unlikely prospect.
The whole movie reeks to high heaven in plot and execution, with zgrade
special effects and paper thin plotting.
It’s a good thing that Wolverine has lost his memory by the time X-Men 1
rolls around, if only the same could be said of his target viewing audience.
2 Bone Claws out of 10 (AWFUL)
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2008)
Birdemic: Shock and Terror (NR) Review
"The Turds"
Billed (ha ha) by its director as a new entry into his personally conceived genre of the Horror Romance movie, Birdemic is not the kind of bad you can sit around with your friends on a friday night and laugh about. Birdemic is such an utter embarrassment on every conceivable level (Editing, Sound, Writing, Special Effects, Acting) that its only success was how it got so famous. Much like William Hung's American Idol success was a pop culture phenomenon that centered on exploitating a terrible dreamer, so is James Nguyen's film about a couple finding new love amidst killer birds. It was self financed, self filmed and self promoted at Sundance by driving around in his family car plastered with fake birds. He bought a midnight showing and filled it up with indy movie producers and schlock fans, people knew a cash cow when they saw one and it was bought for one million dollars and then excreted into our lives.
Indy films like this I try to give some leeway and crow about their positive points, but Birdemic is only an excuse to laugh at Nguyen and his inept filmmaking skills. The first time the shoddy birds appeared on screen (shockingly late in the film) they squeezed a hearty laugh out of me. An hour later and the same shoddy birds in the same awkward poses made me squirm in my seat, the wooden acting and terribly recorded audio made me want to plug my ears and hug my wallet in thanks that I hadn't spent any single dime on watching it. The ham-fisted slapped on "environmental message" will set back the green movement for years, and I can't imagine anyone with half an IQ point not being redfaced over its lousy... well, everything! Shame on the films distributors for giving Bay Area Businessman/Crappy Film Director/Exploited Outsider Artist James Nguyen the ability to kill (cgi birds) ever again, I hear a sequel is in the works for 2013. A man who can produce such a piece of work and feel good about charging someone to watch it deserves to have his taxes audited and his drivers license revoked, his morals are suspect.
This is the kind of film you make but only show a handful of friends every couple years, projected on a white sheet in someone's basement, secure in the fact that the shame is all yours and the fake-grins on their friendly faces will tell no one of what they've seen or who is to blame.
Never has a subtitle been so accurate about its content.
1 Exploding Hawks out of 10 (AWFUL)
"The Turds"
Billed (ha ha) by its director as a new entry into his personally conceived genre of the Horror Romance movie, Birdemic is not the kind of bad you can sit around with your friends on a friday night and laugh about. Birdemic is such an utter embarrassment on every conceivable level (Editing, Sound, Writing, Special Effects, Acting) that its only success was how it got so famous. Much like William Hung's American Idol success was a pop culture phenomenon that centered on exploitating a terrible dreamer, so is James Nguyen's film about a couple finding new love amidst killer birds. It was self financed, self filmed and self promoted at Sundance by driving around in his family car plastered with fake birds. He bought a midnight showing and filled it up with indy movie producers and schlock fans, people knew a cash cow when they saw one and it was bought for one million dollars and then excreted into our lives.
Indy films like this I try to give some leeway and crow about their positive points, but Birdemic is only an excuse to laugh at Nguyen and his inept filmmaking skills. The first time the shoddy birds appeared on screen (shockingly late in the film) they squeezed a hearty laugh out of me. An hour later and the same shoddy birds in the same awkward poses made me squirm in my seat, the wooden acting and terribly recorded audio made me want to plug my ears and hug my wallet in thanks that I hadn't spent any single dime on watching it. The ham-fisted slapped on "environmental message" will set back the green movement for years, and I can't imagine anyone with half an IQ point not being redfaced over its lousy... well, everything! Shame on the films distributors for giving Bay Area Businessman/Crappy Film Director/Exploited Outsider Artist James Nguyen the ability to kill (cgi birds) ever again, I hear a sequel is in the works for 2013. A man who can produce such a piece of work and feel good about charging someone to watch it deserves to have his taxes audited and his drivers license revoked, his morals are suspect.
This is the kind of film you make but only show a handful of friends every couple years, projected on a white sheet in someone's basement, secure in the fact that the shame is all yours and the fake-grins on their friendly faces will tell no one of what they've seen or who is to blame.
Never has a subtitle been so accurate about its content.
1 Exploding Hawks out of 10 (AWFUL)
Shredder (2003)
Shredder (R)
"Maybe all that hardware's for making Coleslaw"
Who wants to see a painfully late to the scene, painfully acted snowboarding slasher film (he hates snowboarders cuz he is a skier, haha!) filled with unlikable characters using unlikable vernacular, action filled with continuity errors in audio and video, that flings some stabs at satire and black humor and gore but mostly looking like a really bad Friday the 13th script that was rewritten by some college dropout snowmen and women over a weekend with an appeal to extreme alternative lifestyle audiences (they like punk rock right?) that will frequent the local Video franchises? Yeah, thought so.
2 Out Cold beat this by two years out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Maybe all that hardware's for making Coleslaw"
Who wants to see a painfully late to the scene, painfully acted snowboarding slasher film (he hates snowboarders cuz he is a skier, haha!) filled with unlikable characters using unlikable vernacular, action filled with continuity errors in audio and video, that flings some stabs at satire and black humor and gore but mostly looking like a really bad Friday the 13th script that was rewritten by some college dropout snowmen and women over a weekend with an appeal to extreme alternative lifestyle audiences (they like punk rock right?) that will frequent the local Video franchises? Yeah, thought so.
2 Out Cold beat this by two years out of 10 (AWFUL)
Highlander 2 (1991)
Highlander 2 (R) - Review
"Have sword, will languish"
A terribly conceived and enacted sequel no matter which version you decide to view (with or without the tacked on "they are aliens" plot it makes no difference), Highlander 2 is laughably bad. The worst things about Lambert's acting are front row and center here, he cannot actually carry a movie (especially one this absurdly silly). After winning The Prize in the previous film, the Highlander has now become old and frail, stuck beneath some Earth saving electronic thingyamajig that keeps the planet from dying from solar radiation (but also makes it not a very fun place to live). Michael Ironsides sends some hedgehog looking minions (form the past or from future or from another dimension depending on which version) to assassinate him, thereby restarting the contest and attempting to halt him from shutting down the shield of his own creation. Just typing that made me feel stupid, just as stupid as Sean Connery must have felt for signing up for this onscreen abortion. Ironsides grits his teeth and becomes a whipping boy for Capitalism, Lambert once again gets a girl and has to explain the whole bloody mess again, people from the future again resort to swords and sorcery to behead each other. Without the eminent Mr. Connery to lighten and infuse some scenes with his own brand of cool this movie would have just been a sign of just how bad 1990s franchises were in Hollywood. As it stands it can be a bit of a guilty pleasure if you can just laugh at the dregs. A movie only a decapitated mother could love.
2 Inaccurate Scottish Accents out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Have sword, will languish"
A terribly conceived and enacted sequel no matter which version you decide to view (with or without the tacked on "they are aliens" plot it makes no difference), Highlander 2 is laughably bad. The worst things about Lambert's acting are front row and center here, he cannot actually carry a movie (especially one this absurdly silly). After winning The Prize in the previous film, the Highlander has now become old and frail, stuck beneath some Earth saving electronic thingyamajig that keeps the planet from dying from solar radiation (but also makes it not a very fun place to live). Michael Ironsides sends some hedgehog looking minions (form the past or from future or from another dimension depending on which version) to assassinate him, thereby restarting the contest and attempting to halt him from shutting down the shield of his own creation. Just typing that made me feel stupid, just as stupid as Sean Connery must have felt for signing up for this onscreen abortion. Ironsides grits his teeth and becomes a whipping boy for Capitalism, Lambert once again gets a girl and has to explain the whole bloody mess again, people from the future again resort to swords and sorcery to behead each other. Without the eminent Mr. Connery to lighten and infuse some scenes with his own brand of cool this movie would have just been a sign of just how bad 1990s franchises were in Hollywood. As it stands it can be a bit of a guilty pleasure if you can just laugh at the dregs. A movie only a decapitated mother could love.
2 Inaccurate Scottish Accents out of 10 (AWFUL)
Troll 2 (1990)
Troll 2 (R) - Review
"Vegan voodoo doodoo"
Fake sequel to the 1986 Cult Classic, Troll 2 finds a different family vacationing to the town of Nilbog, a farming community where good health abounds. Upon arrival they are soon beset by vegan Goblins (the Trolls of the renamed title), witches turning their children into vegetable mush and a vast conspiracy of the towns folk. A bewildering plot written by the Italian director and his vegan wife, acted by local nonactors and often proclaimed the "Worst Film Ever Made", Troll 2 has so bad its good tattooed on its forehead in neon green. If it's nonsensical plot and vegetable propaganda don't get you, the unique dialog and acting styles will. The actors make lemonade out of a lemon, and what a huge lemon it is. Horrible costumes and make up FX, terrible lines and VHS quality video all captained by an irate Italian director who insists the film is a success despite all evidence to the contrary (even his studio named it after the 86 version just to try and attempt ti up viewership).
Laughing during viewing, usually at and not with, makes it all worthwhile.
2 Ghost Grandpas out of 10 (AWFUL)
"Vegan voodoo doodoo"
Fake sequel to the 1986 Cult Classic, Troll 2 finds a different family vacationing to the town of Nilbog, a farming community where good health abounds. Upon arrival they are soon beset by vegan Goblins (the Trolls of the renamed title), witches turning their children into vegetable mush and a vast conspiracy of the towns folk. A bewildering plot written by the Italian director and his vegan wife, acted by local nonactors and often proclaimed the "Worst Film Ever Made", Troll 2 has so bad its good tattooed on its forehead in neon green. If it's nonsensical plot and vegetable propaganda don't get you, the unique dialog and acting styles will. The actors make lemonade out of a lemon, and what a huge lemon it is. Horrible costumes and make up FX, terrible lines and VHS quality video all captained by an irate Italian director who insists the film is a success despite all evidence to the contrary (even his studio named it after the 86 version just to try and attempt ti up viewership).
Laughing during viewing, usually at and not with, makes it all worthwhile.
2 Ghost Grandpas out of 10 (AWFUL)
The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1984)
The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (R) - Review
"But the Director Doesn't"
No apparently they don't, they don't have eyes. Which makes them lucky ones since they'll never be able to watch this abysmal sequel about a group of bikers who return to the high desert where their friends were attacked by inbred cannibals 8 years earlier. The film is half finished, cobbled together with loads of footage from part 1 into a jumbled mess of lazy long flashbacks jumbled with new scenes so bad you'll wish they'd go back to flashbacks, a sick loop of incestuousness rarely scene in cinema. The only stylistic connection to the original is the halfhearted Rubegoldberg ending that ends up so hamfisted it ends up tacky with burnt honey glaze.
Unlikeable characters, unforgivable plotting and unflattering camera work, they all scratch the chalkboard with such dull stupid fingernails that it is little wonder Wes Craven disowned the director credit to the film. With his blossoming Nightmare on Elm Street franchise ringing in the same year, Craven must have felt like a man on death row who just recieved a career reprieve at the midnight hour.
1.5 Even The Freaking Dog Has A Flashback!?!?s out of 10 (AWFUL)
"But the Director Doesn't"
No apparently they don't, they don't have eyes. Which makes them lucky ones since they'll never be able to watch this abysmal sequel about a group of bikers who return to the high desert where their friends were attacked by inbred cannibals 8 years earlier. The film is half finished, cobbled together with loads of footage from part 1 into a jumbled mess of lazy long flashbacks jumbled with new scenes so bad you'll wish they'd go back to flashbacks, a sick loop of incestuousness rarely scene in cinema. The only stylistic connection to the original is the halfhearted Rubegoldberg ending that ends up so hamfisted it ends up tacky with burnt honey glaze.
Unlikeable characters, unforgivable plotting and unflattering camera work, they all scratch the chalkboard with such dull stupid fingernails that it is little wonder Wes Craven disowned the director credit to the film. With his blossoming Nightmare on Elm Street franchise ringing in the same year, Craven must have felt like a man on death row who just recieved a career reprieve at the midnight hour.
1.5 Even The Freaking Dog Has A Flashback!?!?s out of 10 (AWFUL)
Reptilicus (1962)
Reptilicus - Review
"Appetite for destruction"
This Danish Monster flick is a bizarre hybrid of the post-Godzilla giant dino trashes a city genre mixed with a Denmark tourist bureau travelouge. Shot concurrently in Danish and English, the American release features flat overdubs, a re-edit and a cheesy attempt to add some terrible special effects after removing scenes deemed too terrible by API, a lipstick on a pig scenario if there ever was one (a snake-like inarticulate puppet on strings kind of pig). Inept in every way, yet it is a cult favorite in Denmark and the States. It's hard not to love/hate the long drawn out science, journeyman direction, amateurish acting-not-in-native-language stoicism, the excess of stock footage, the obvious propaganda of 1960s Copenhagen, the z-grade puppet work, and the eye-popping yokel Peterson whose musical number was thankfully slashed from the American release. However there are plenty of reasons to tune in, the roundabout plot and general foreignness lend a humorist and surrealist tone as Denmark's entire military and populous seems to have been mobilized for the finale. That bridge scene definitely took some guts on everyone's part and we won't see it's like again in First World filmmaking.
Make sure you watch out for Reptilicus' green acid spit, it's clumsy implementation stings the eyes of both film character and film viewer.
2 AKVARIUMS out of 10 (AWFUL)
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About Me
- Kevin Gasaway via HardDrawn
- Turlock, California, United States
- Media and Reviews by Kevin Gasaway